Training for Satan's 5K

When I was in 6th grade I decided I had had enough of our physical fitness tests in school. I devised a plan to get me out of our spring half mile run that proved to be successful. I knew that if I could come up with a reason to go to the doctor that I could manipulate my mother into making the appointment during gym class on the day of the infamous 800 without her suspecting anything. I wasn't going to fake an illness; that would be too hard to pull off.  I knew my abilities and limits. I have been cursed with ingrown toe nails my entire life, compliments of my father's genetics, and that was my in.  My dad had just had one removed at the doctor and I was going to follow his medical example. Our gym teacher gave us a week or so notice for when the big event would be and then I artfully waited until two or three days before then to tell my mom that I HAD to go to the doctor to get my toe nail fixed. She said she would call the next morning. I nonchalantly suggested the day and time that would work best for my overbearing 6th grade schedule and she conformed. When we arrived at the doctor, I was informed that my ingrown toenail wasn't that bad and was sent back on my way.  I didn't care though, because I got out of running at a humiliatingly slow pace with all my classmates and my only punishment was a reprimand for being a drama queen about my toe and a B in PE because I conveniently never had time to stay after school to make up my run. I tell this story to illustrate one important point; I absolutely loath running.

I've tried to get into running a few times during my life because I wanted a runner's physique, but it never stuck. I usually give it a go for a few weeks and then decide that it isn't worth the effort. Imagine my horror when my mission president and his wife announced that we would be running a 5K as a mission the Monday before Thanksgiving. I immediately hated my life. We were given a modified Couch to 5K training schedule and cheerfully told to give it our all and results would follow. Shortly thereafter I dubbed the race Satan's 5K and didn't truly know how fitting that name would prove to be.

From the get go I knew it would be harder than ever to get into running because I couldn't bump my jams while I hit the pavement. In the past I put my ear buds in and turned up some form of teen pop music to a volume just beneath ear drum shattering in order to drown out my heavy breathing. Without upbeat melodies and horribly written, yet alarmingly catchy lyrics in my ears, I was left with only an angry inner diatribe and gasps for air to serenade my run (which is really more like a brisk walk with a bounce). Very quickly, my negative thoughts branched out and multiplied until every morning my work out included a tangled web of self loathing thoughts and lies. Not too long after we started training for our 5K, the destructive ideas started to leak past my half an hour work out and into the hour I got ready as well.

"I hate running because I'm so out of shape," lead to, "I'm never going to get good at this," which usually turned in to, "if I don't get good at running, I'll never be in shape." That line undoubtedly spun in to, "and if I'm never in shape I'll clearly never get married."  From there, my thoughts rapidly escalated to, "if I never get married, I'll be such a disappointment to my family and culture.  And if I never get married I'll never have kids and I'll never fulfill my womanly duty to be a mother. Why am I even on a mission? Maybe we are struggling to find people to teach in this area because I'm not pretty enough. I bet attractive missionaries have more success.  That's the real reason why we have to run this 5K. We're supposed to be getting into better shape so we can be more beautiful and find people to teach. Why is my companion such a fast runner; she is literally a gazelle. A GAZELLE. MAYBE AN ANTELOPE. I DON'T KNOW.  I'm so slow and she has got to hate me for slowing her down. I wish I could just fall on a cactus and break my leg so I wouldn't have to run anymore and be a hindrance to my companion. Why aren't there any cacti on our running route? I would probably be a hindrance to a husband too. I mean, I'm 23 and on a mission. Man, my breathing sounds like an angry walrus gasping for air. Maybe Heavenly Father sent me on a mission as a form of busy work, since I have approximately 60 more years of unmarried life ahead of me. Well, probably only 40 since I'm bad at running so my heart will give out." And on and on an on, for an hour and a half every single morning.

Me when I was angry about running. GRRRRRR.

My companion during her morning run.

Maybe I'm a little dramatic. I know. But c'mon...it was running! Without Selena Gomez!

When it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I was dreading waking up in the morning because I knew I would have to run, and subsequently spend an hour and a half with my own brain, I decided something needed to change.

As missionaries, we reference the scripture Ether 12:27 frequently. It reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their 

weakness [RUNNING].  I give unto men weakness that 

they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all 

men that humble themselves before me; for if they 

humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, 

then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(emphasis and angry color choice added)

Running is definitely a weakness of mine, but I realized that my bigger weaknesses were pride and doubt. I felt that running was such a trivial thing that I couldn't pray and ask for help because Heavenly Father didn't want to hear about my physical activity woes. After I humbled myself and knew that the only way I was going to get myself out of bed morning after morning was with a lot of divine help, I went to my knees and my thoughts changed. Did I really believe that I'll never get married? No. But it is still my biggest fear, and Satan plays on our fears. When I acknowledged that I was allowing Satan to be my running partner every morning it made it far easier to change my attitude and perspective. The only true statement in my angry stream of consciousness was that my companion is literally a gazelle. I can get in shape in a thousand different ways that aren't running. I can get married without being a model (or a gazelle). I will have children at some point in eternity, because I have been promised that. I don't really want to break my leg; that would be awful. I will most likely live beyond the age of 63. Most importantly, Heavenly Father didn't call me on a mission to kill time while he came up with something else for me to do. We're never asked to do something to just occupy our time.

I was so upset at myself for letting Satan rule my thoughts and guide the opinions I had of myself. I should have known better than to let him diminish my self worth and divine nature. But that's why he's so good at what he does, he's sneaky. With a lot of prayer and a conscious effort to think of happy (or at least neutral) things while I ran, my weaknesses became stronger. When I can't think of anything positive while I'm running, I count. It's not necessarily uplifting, but it keeps my mind occupied, and eventually I find that my mind has wandered somewhere else more positive. I often think about what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would tell me if they were running beside me. I'm sure they wouldn't judge my slow progress, in fact, they would likely commend me for building myself up to the point that I can almost run a mile without stopping. As I pray each night and in the morning I ask for the strength to push myself a little harder and for the mental endurance to keep my thoughts positive. AND IT WORKS. Every single day that I depend on the Lord, He makes it possible for me to do something I hate. More impressive than my running triumphs, is the progress I've made in turning my doubt to faith and my pride to humility.

I can testify that the Lord will truly help us along our paths if we seek His assistance. We can expect immediate assistance and gradual growth. 

Maybe I will look like this down the road when I am 100% better at running. Except I would never wear a red head band with a pink sweater. So maybe that will just be my running aura.

Real Talk: 6 Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature

I often feel the need (and desire) to start my blog posts with a story, anecdote, or some form of pleasantries.  Writing 101 dictates that you suck your audience in with something exciting before you delve into your thesis and more important topics. Today, I'm writing about something too important to waste time with a tale from my youth or a prolonged analogy. Ain't nobody got time for rhetorical devices! I've had a lot of encounters with individuals on my mission who struggle in their faith because they've stumbled upon anti-Mormon literature. It's time that this issue is addressed from my pulpit.

I just posted this to suck you in.  Since I don't have the time for a story or anything.  Awwww, it's a bear waving at you!

Setting aside my obvious faith in the Latter-day Saint religion, there are a lot of facts to observe about why anti-Mormon information is flat out uncalled for, disrespectful, and preposterous. This has lead to my Six Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature (Literature. If you can even call it that):

6. There is a disproportional amount of hatorade for Mormons compared to other religions.
In a quick study I just conducted, I googled the terms "Mormons", "Catholics", "Lutherans", "Baptists", and "Islam" to see what each search would generate.  I only looked at the first page of results and gathered one solid conclusion; people love to hate on Mormons. On the first page of hits, there was already anti-Mormon sentiment.  At the bottom, related searches were things such as "why are Mormons weird," "Mormons exposed," and "Mormons polygamy".  Every other religion, including Islam, which tends to be at the center of a lot of hot button issues, didn't have a single negative website or related search surface on the first page of gathered information.


5. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a transparent organization. Mormons don't share all of the details of their sacred temple services, but they always strive to inform people of their beliefs.  Ask anyone who has completed a temple service about what they did, and they will share as much information as they can without casting their pearls before swine and sharing something sacred. Beyond the specifics of temple worship, there is a lot of information that Mormons are eager to share. There is a website, www.mormon.org, that has information, personnel ready to live chat anyone with questions, and easy to understand doctrines plainly presented for all to see.  There is a wealth of reliable, truthful information that can be found. Like I said in a previous post, don't ask Miley Cyrus for help with your Biology homework.  Don't read some bogus page called Mormon Haterz 4 Lyfe to learn about my faith. Above and beyond the written word the church produces, the church has an army of over 88,000 men and women who have one purpose: to talk to others about Mormonism.  This army will even seek you out with a few taps on your front door. For a church that is "mysterious" there are sure a lot of members that are willing to talk to others about their faith.

4. Good grief, we just want to bring you salvation. Missionaries don't get paid.  Bishops don't get paid. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir doesn't get paid.  I'm telling you, no one gets rich for being a Mormon, and there is absolutely no tangible incentive for being instrumental in someone's baptism. We really just believe we have something special to share and we want to share it with the world. Why is that a problem?

3. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE? We all have moments from our history that aren't trophy worthy. Polygamy and the failure to give colored peoples the priesthood previous to the Civil Rights Era are two dead horses that people continue to beat. How can the Mormons even be considered human beings if they once practiced polygamy? Eventually, we left the Catholics alone for sending adolescents to kill off the Muslims, so maybe it's time we stop basing an entire religion's beliefs on a brief period of their history. My dad only has one wife, so do all of my friends' dads. Kind of like how my Catholic friends don't send their babies with swords to Afghanistan anymore. But maybe in a few hundreds years people will let it go.

2. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE (Part II)? I know, you're still hung up on polygamy and the blacks and the priesthood.  Because seriously, how can the Mormons think they're the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and have still made mistakes. There isn't an official statement about why either of those events transpired. A lot of people have conjectures, but no one of authority has ever spoken on either issue.  This much is true though, Heavenly Father often gives revelation in a stop, go, stop pattern because he can see all of eternity in one panoramic photo (He updated to IOS 7 and has that capability). Polygamy was practiced throughout the Old Testament as prescribed by the Lord. There were times in the Old Testament that he also forbade it. We don't always know the rational, but if we have strong enough faith, we can know that all things happen for a reason. I don't know why I'm the descendant of an early Mormon polygamist family, or why Alex Boye can have the priesthood, but countless men from his ancestry couldn't. I do know that Heavenly Father calls prophets on the Earth and that the Book of Mormon is true and is valid evidence that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.  You can only reach this knowledge through prayer, study, and experience.  You can't read a website and be swayed in either direction, because that only speaks to your intellect, not your soul.

1. Mormonism is a Threat. If you're running for governor and your competitor is doing better than you, you bash him even harder than you were before.  If you and another girl are interested in the same guy, you hate her. If you're Tanya Harding and you're threatened by the talents of Nancy Kerrigan, you get some men to brutalize her leg. It's how things happen often. Satan knows that the gospel of Jesus Christ can bring people happiness, joy, and strength, so naturally he wants it abolished.  If you don't think that Satan can persuade people to do his bidding, then we can have a conversation about a man named Adolph Hitler over some Smashburger a little later. Anyway. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormon church, IS the church Christ established while he was on Earth.  It was lost when he was crucified and revived through Joseph Smith. People can sense truth, and to some that is a fearful thing. Why not use a few red herrings to lead people away from the truth? LOOK! TEMPLE GARMENTS! OR AS I CALL IT, MAGIC UNDERWEAR, RUN AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. I'm telling you, one of the biggest testimony builders of the validity of Mormon doctrine for me is the fact that so many people try so hard to tear it down. There are probably more tubes of Burt's Bee's Lip Balm that are sold a year than members of the church. We aren't a threat because of our size, we're a threat because we're right.


People who have strong opinions will always share them, but that doesn't mean they're true. I once penned a blog post about Taylor Swift and her lack of talent.  I hate her music; it's no secret, but that doesn't mean that my single opinion is correct. As always, I know that my words will not sway you in either direction. If you're set on reading anti-Mormon literature, then you will continue to do so. I know that the only way you'll ever find truth, peace, and understanding is through study and prayer.  Pick up your Bible, get a Book of Mormon, study them together and pray and you will get an answer.  Answers come through feelings.  If you feel something positive, it's of God.  If you feel something negative, it's of Satan.  It's a simple litmus test.  How do you feel when you read 78 Reasons Mormons Are Actually Man Eating Dragons? How do you feel when you read The Book of Mormon?