Training for Satan's 5K

When I was in 6th grade I decided I had had enough of our physical fitness tests in school. I devised a plan to get me out of our spring half mile run that proved to be successful. I knew that if I could come up with a reason to go to the doctor that I could manipulate my mother into making the appointment during gym class on the day of the infamous 800 without her suspecting anything. I wasn't going to fake an illness; that would be too hard to pull off.  I knew my abilities and limits. I have been cursed with ingrown toe nails my entire life, compliments of my father's genetics, and that was my in.  My dad had just had one removed at the doctor and I was going to follow his medical example. Our gym teacher gave us a week or so notice for when the big event would be and then I artfully waited until two or three days before then to tell my mom that I HAD to go to the doctor to get my toe nail fixed. She said she would call the next morning. I nonchalantly suggested the day and time that would work best for my overbearing 6th grade schedule and she conformed. When we arrived at the doctor, I was informed that my ingrown toenail wasn't that bad and was sent back on my way.  I didn't care though, because I got out of running at a humiliatingly slow pace with all my classmates and my only punishment was a reprimand for being a drama queen about my toe and a B in PE because I conveniently never had time to stay after school to make up my run. I tell this story to illustrate one important point; I absolutely loath running.

I've tried to get into running a few times during my life because I wanted a runner's physique, but it never stuck. I usually give it a go for a few weeks and then decide that it isn't worth the effort. Imagine my horror when my mission president and his wife announced that we would be running a 5K as a mission the Monday before Thanksgiving. I immediately hated my life. We were given a modified Couch to 5K training schedule and cheerfully told to give it our all and results would follow. Shortly thereafter I dubbed the race Satan's 5K and didn't truly know how fitting that name would prove to be.

From the get go I knew it would be harder than ever to get into running because I couldn't bump my jams while I hit the pavement. In the past I put my ear buds in and turned up some form of teen pop music to a volume just beneath ear drum shattering in order to drown out my heavy breathing. Without upbeat melodies and horribly written, yet alarmingly catchy lyrics in my ears, I was left with only an angry inner diatribe and gasps for air to serenade my run (which is really more like a brisk walk with a bounce). Very quickly, my negative thoughts branched out and multiplied until every morning my work out included a tangled web of self loathing thoughts and lies. Not too long after we started training for our 5K, the destructive ideas started to leak past my half an hour work out and into the hour I got ready as well.

"I hate running because I'm so out of shape," lead to, "I'm never going to get good at this," which usually turned in to, "if I don't get good at running, I'll never be in shape." That line undoubtedly spun in to, "and if I'm never in shape I'll clearly never get married."  From there, my thoughts rapidly escalated to, "if I never get married, I'll be such a disappointment to my family and culture.  And if I never get married I'll never have kids and I'll never fulfill my womanly duty to be a mother. Why am I even on a mission? Maybe we are struggling to find people to teach in this area because I'm not pretty enough. I bet attractive missionaries have more success.  That's the real reason why we have to run this 5K. We're supposed to be getting into better shape so we can be more beautiful and find people to teach. Why is my companion such a fast runner; she is literally a gazelle. A GAZELLE. MAYBE AN ANTELOPE. I DON'T KNOW.  I'm so slow and she has got to hate me for slowing her down. I wish I could just fall on a cactus and break my leg so I wouldn't have to run anymore and be a hindrance to my companion. Why aren't there any cacti on our running route? I would probably be a hindrance to a husband too. I mean, I'm 23 and on a mission. Man, my breathing sounds like an angry walrus gasping for air. Maybe Heavenly Father sent me on a mission as a form of busy work, since I have approximately 60 more years of unmarried life ahead of me. Well, probably only 40 since I'm bad at running so my heart will give out." And on and on an on, for an hour and a half every single morning.

Me when I was angry about running. GRRRRRR.

My companion during her morning run.

Maybe I'm a little dramatic. I know. But c'mon...it was running! Without Selena Gomez!

When it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I was dreading waking up in the morning because I knew I would have to run, and subsequently spend an hour and a half with my own brain, I decided something needed to change.

As missionaries, we reference the scripture Ether 12:27 frequently. It reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their 

weakness [RUNNING].  I give unto men weakness that 

they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all 

men that humble themselves before me; for if they 

humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, 

then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(emphasis and angry color choice added)

Running is definitely a weakness of mine, but I realized that my bigger weaknesses were pride and doubt. I felt that running was such a trivial thing that I couldn't pray and ask for help because Heavenly Father didn't want to hear about my physical activity woes. After I humbled myself and knew that the only way I was going to get myself out of bed morning after morning was with a lot of divine help, I went to my knees and my thoughts changed. Did I really believe that I'll never get married? No. But it is still my biggest fear, and Satan plays on our fears. When I acknowledged that I was allowing Satan to be my running partner every morning it made it far easier to change my attitude and perspective. The only true statement in my angry stream of consciousness was that my companion is literally a gazelle. I can get in shape in a thousand different ways that aren't running. I can get married without being a model (or a gazelle). I will have children at some point in eternity, because I have been promised that. I don't really want to break my leg; that would be awful. I will most likely live beyond the age of 63. Most importantly, Heavenly Father didn't call me on a mission to kill time while he came up with something else for me to do. We're never asked to do something to just occupy our time.

I was so upset at myself for letting Satan rule my thoughts and guide the opinions I had of myself. I should have known better than to let him diminish my self worth and divine nature. But that's why he's so good at what he does, he's sneaky. With a lot of prayer and a conscious effort to think of happy (or at least neutral) things while I ran, my weaknesses became stronger. When I can't think of anything positive while I'm running, I count. It's not necessarily uplifting, but it keeps my mind occupied, and eventually I find that my mind has wandered somewhere else more positive. I often think about what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would tell me if they were running beside me. I'm sure they wouldn't judge my slow progress, in fact, they would likely commend me for building myself up to the point that I can almost run a mile without stopping. As I pray each night and in the morning I ask for the strength to push myself a little harder and for the mental endurance to keep my thoughts positive. AND IT WORKS. Every single day that I depend on the Lord, He makes it possible for me to do something I hate. More impressive than my running triumphs, is the progress I've made in turning my doubt to faith and my pride to humility.

I can testify that the Lord will truly help us along our paths if we seek His assistance. We can expect immediate assistance and gradual growth. 

Maybe I will look like this down the road when I am 100% better at running. Except I would never wear a red head band with a pink sweater. So maybe that will just be my running aura.

Real Talk: 6 Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature

I often feel the need (and desire) to start my blog posts with a story, anecdote, or some form of pleasantries.  Writing 101 dictates that you suck your audience in with something exciting before you delve into your thesis and more important topics. Today, I'm writing about something too important to waste time with a tale from my youth or a prolonged analogy. Ain't nobody got time for rhetorical devices! I've had a lot of encounters with individuals on my mission who struggle in their faith because they've stumbled upon anti-Mormon literature. It's time that this issue is addressed from my pulpit.

I just posted this to suck you in.  Since I don't have the time for a story or anything.  Awwww, it's a bear waving at you!

Setting aside my obvious faith in the Latter-day Saint religion, there are a lot of facts to observe about why anti-Mormon information is flat out uncalled for, disrespectful, and preposterous. This has lead to my Six Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature (Literature. If you can even call it that):

6. There is a disproportional amount of hatorade for Mormons compared to other religions.
In a quick study I just conducted, I googled the terms "Mormons", "Catholics", "Lutherans", "Baptists", and "Islam" to see what each search would generate.  I only looked at the first page of results and gathered one solid conclusion; people love to hate on Mormons. On the first page of hits, there was already anti-Mormon sentiment.  At the bottom, related searches were things such as "why are Mormons weird," "Mormons exposed," and "Mormons polygamy".  Every other religion, including Islam, which tends to be at the center of a lot of hot button issues, didn't have a single negative website or related search surface on the first page of gathered information.


5. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a transparent organization. Mormons don't share all of the details of their sacred temple services, but they always strive to inform people of their beliefs.  Ask anyone who has completed a temple service about what they did, and they will share as much information as they can without casting their pearls before swine and sharing something sacred. Beyond the specifics of temple worship, there is a lot of information that Mormons are eager to share. There is a website, www.mormon.org, that has information, personnel ready to live chat anyone with questions, and easy to understand doctrines plainly presented for all to see.  There is a wealth of reliable, truthful information that can be found. Like I said in a previous post, don't ask Miley Cyrus for help with your Biology homework.  Don't read some bogus page called Mormon Haterz 4 Lyfe to learn about my faith. Above and beyond the written word the church produces, the church has an army of over 88,000 men and women who have one purpose: to talk to others about Mormonism.  This army will even seek you out with a few taps on your front door. For a church that is "mysterious" there are sure a lot of members that are willing to talk to others about their faith.

4. Good grief, we just want to bring you salvation. Missionaries don't get paid.  Bishops don't get paid. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir doesn't get paid.  I'm telling you, no one gets rich for being a Mormon, and there is absolutely no tangible incentive for being instrumental in someone's baptism. We really just believe we have something special to share and we want to share it with the world. Why is that a problem?

3. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE? We all have moments from our history that aren't trophy worthy. Polygamy and the failure to give colored peoples the priesthood previous to the Civil Rights Era are two dead horses that people continue to beat. How can the Mormons even be considered human beings if they once practiced polygamy? Eventually, we left the Catholics alone for sending adolescents to kill off the Muslims, so maybe it's time we stop basing an entire religion's beliefs on a brief period of their history. My dad only has one wife, so do all of my friends' dads. Kind of like how my Catholic friends don't send their babies with swords to Afghanistan anymore. But maybe in a few hundreds years people will let it go.

2. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE (Part II)? I know, you're still hung up on polygamy and the blacks and the priesthood.  Because seriously, how can the Mormons think they're the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and have still made mistakes. There isn't an official statement about why either of those events transpired. A lot of people have conjectures, but no one of authority has ever spoken on either issue.  This much is true though, Heavenly Father often gives revelation in a stop, go, stop pattern because he can see all of eternity in one panoramic photo (He updated to IOS 7 and has that capability). Polygamy was practiced throughout the Old Testament as prescribed by the Lord. There were times in the Old Testament that he also forbade it. We don't always know the rational, but if we have strong enough faith, we can know that all things happen for a reason. I don't know why I'm the descendant of an early Mormon polygamist family, or why Alex Boye can have the priesthood, but countless men from his ancestry couldn't. I do know that Heavenly Father calls prophets on the Earth and that the Book of Mormon is true and is valid evidence that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.  You can only reach this knowledge through prayer, study, and experience.  You can't read a website and be swayed in either direction, because that only speaks to your intellect, not your soul.

1. Mormonism is a Threat. If you're running for governor and your competitor is doing better than you, you bash him even harder than you were before.  If you and another girl are interested in the same guy, you hate her. If you're Tanya Harding and you're threatened by the talents of Nancy Kerrigan, you get some men to brutalize her leg. It's how things happen often. Satan knows that the gospel of Jesus Christ can bring people happiness, joy, and strength, so naturally he wants it abolished.  If you don't think that Satan can persuade people to do his bidding, then we can have a conversation about a man named Adolph Hitler over some Smashburger a little later. Anyway. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormon church, IS the church Christ established while he was on Earth.  It was lost when he was crucified and revived through Joseph Smith. People can sense truth, and to some that is a fearful thing. Why not use a few red herrings to lead people away from the truth? LOOK! TEMPLE GARMENTS! OR AS I CALL IT, MAGIC UNDERWEAR, RUN AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. I'm telling you, one of the biggest testimony builders of the validity of Mormon doctrine for me is the fact that so many people try so hard to tear it down. There are probably more tubes of Burt's Bee's Lip Balm that are sold a year than members of the church. We aren't a threat because of our size, we're a threat because we're right.


People who have strong opinions will always share them, but that doesn't mean they're true. I once penned a blog post about Taylor Swift and her lack of talent.  I hate her music; it's no secret, but that doesn't mean that my single opinion is correct. As always, I know that my words will not sway you in either direction. If you're set on reading anti-Mormon literature, then you will continue to do so. I know that the only way you'll ever find truth, peace, and understanding is through study and prayer.  Pick up your Bible, get a Book of Mormon, study them together and pray and you will get an answer.  Answers come through feelings.  If you feel something positive, it's of God.  If you feel something negative, it's of Satan.  It's a simple litmus test.  How do you feel when you read 78 Reasons Mormons Are Actually Man Eating Dragons? How do you feel when you read The Book of Mormon?

My Interview with Ellen Degeneres: Prophets

Having been raised in the LDS faith I have encountered many of the same questions over the years.  How many moms do you have?  Where is your horse and buggy? Do you know you're going to hell?  So you worship Joseph Smith, right?  Why are you so weird?  These are just a few of my favorite gems.  I've decided to dedicate one post a month to answering a frequently asked question.  Here's the thing though, FAQ lists are for college admissions websites and door to door vacuum sales pamphlets.  I figured a (fake) interview with Ellen Degeneres would get my point across and be a little less like reading a manual on how to put together your IKEA nightstand.  Ellen, if you read this and ever want to do a real interview, I would love to grace your program with my presence (and give every member in the audience a free Book of Mormon! I'd even throw in a red marking pencil #bigspender).

Ellen:  I hope you are all excited for today's program; it is going to be one to remember.  We have a very special guest that I can't wait for you to meet.  It's Channing Tatum!  But before we get to the dessert of this program we have to eat our less delicious vegetables.  We are going to have a recurring guest at the end of every month who will come and answer a question about the Mormon faith.  Please welcome Sister Poppe, a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--otherwise known as the broccoli of today's broadcast.

(mild awkward clapping; a few hisses; a few boos; a cat's meow; one exuberant cheer--from my mother)

Sister P:  Thank you for having me on today, Ellen.  It's a pleasure.

Ellen:  It's nice to have you.  Today I would like to focus on one question that many people have about Mormonism.  What is this business about prophets on the Earth today?

Sister P:  I'm glad you asked that Ellen.  The belief that there is a prophet on the earth today is a unique message that only the LDS faith offers.  A prophet is someone that acts as the mouthpiece of God on earth. Think of the prophets in the Bible; Abraham, Moses, Jeremiah, etc.  They were all individuals called of God to teach people and guide them.  That is what the current prophet, Thomas S. Monson, does.  He is called of God to lead humanity.  We believe that President Monson has the power to receive revelation from God to help people on their journey to return to Heavenly Father.  The prophet doesn't rule our lives.  He gives us guidelines that will lead to a happy lifestyle that is in accordance with God's plan.  Picture this: Dumbledore and Elsa have a baby that has all of their greatest qualities AND the ability to communicate with Heavenly Father and that is a prophet.  Someone kind, wise, humble, and a little baller.

Ellen:  Don't you think it's a little crazy to believe that there is a man on earth today that communicates with God directly?  I mean, even Dory is skeptical of this principle and she's a dingy true blue.

Sister P:  If you truly believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then it isn't that outlandish to believe that there is a prophet on earth today.  Christians across the planet believe that there were prophets during the Biblical era. If Moses could lead the Israelites across the Red Sea, then why can't a man today lead me through the treacherous times we live in? Why wouldn't there be a prophet today?  Heavenly Father loves all of his children equally.  He wouldn't provide a leader for his sons and daughters millennia ago and not do it today. There have been periods of time without prophets on the earth, but that's a discussion for a different day.  I believe that Thomas S. Monson has been called of God to direct people today and that after he dies another man will be called of God to direct in his stead.  I can't make you believe it, but I can promise that if you learn more, read the Book of Mormon, and pray to know if there is a prophet today that you will receive a personalized answer from Heavenly Father.  That is how prayer works.

Ellen:  Thank you, Sister P.  We definitely have a lot to think about after your visit.  I am looking forward to your April visit where you will talk some more with us about the intricacies of the Mormon religion.  Alright. We are going to have a quick break before a big dish of Channing Tatum dessert!

6 Things You Should Do Before Assuming Mormons are Crazy

A few months before I left on my mission there was an internet phenomena that blasted the nation. I prefer to call this craze the "Infinite Number of Highly One Sided Things You Should Do Before You Hit a Certain Age" lists.  Bloggers from across the nation responded to one another about the most important things people should do in their 20's.  A firestorm of disrespect mounted on Facebook news feeds from Baltimore to Berlin as individuals argued for responsibility or frivolity during one's early adulthood.  In the short 6 weeks I've been out on a mission I have decided that a blog post needs to be dedicated to the 6

 Things You Should Do Before Assuming Mormons are Crazy:

6.  Get to know a Mormon in your community.  

If you don't know much about Mormonism chances are your perception of an average Mormon is skewed.  I imagine a creature that is 1 part Mitt Romney, 2 parts quiet Mennonite kid (for some reason people think we're the same), and 1 part Donny and Marie Osmond sprinkled with a few sister wives is what springs to mind when you think of a Mormon (or a citizen of Utah).  While entertaining, that simply isn't what most Mormons are made of.  There are approximately 6 million members of the Mormon faith in the United States. Though most of them live West of the Rocky's, chances are if you look hard enough you can find one in your community.  They most likely have a front yard, a small SUV or minivan, hobbies, a grill, and some children; just like you.  

5.  Learn the real name of their church.

Mormon is actually just a nickname that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) have been given.  Often individuals of the LDS faith will call themselves Mormons because it is more recognizable, but at the end of the day the most politically correct term for these individuals is Latter-day Saint.  When you take the time to recognize that the name of the religion actually bares the name of Christ and not Mormon, it is easy to see that Jesus Christ is at the center of everything we do.

4.  Learn more from a reliable internet source.

Check out www.mormon.org.  It's run by the LDS church and has a lot of valuable information. You can see member profiles (like mine) and chat with missionaries in Salt Lake City.

3.  Meet with some missionaries.

Maybe this point is a little selfish.  As a current full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I am eager for people to teach.  I want to answer people's questions and I know that any other good missionary will want to do the same.  We're not out to baptize you. We're out to teach you of the truth of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  Would you ask Miley Cyrus to help you with your biology homework?  No.  Then don't ask your Baptist minister to tell you about my faith.  

2.  Attend a church meeting.

Latter-day Saints respect Sunday as the Sabbath day and worship in congregations across the globe. Every chapel has a three hour block of meetings that includes a sacrament meeting (akin to mass), Sunday school, and another gospel related class geared toward specific age and gender demographics.  I hate to disappoint right off the bat, but there will be no sacrificial goat killings, awkward chanting, or Kool-Aid.  Find out where your closest meeting house and meeting time is here.

1.  Read the Book of Mormon

Beneath the title of every Book of Mormon is listed the sentence, "Another testament of Jesus Christ".  Many people don't know anything about the Book of Mormon, let alone that it is literally another book to testify of the divinity of Jesus Christ.  It is a companion to the Bible, not a replacement.  No one threw a fit when J.K. Rowling decided to write Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, because Harry Potter is awesome and everyone wanted another book that testified of his awesomeness.  The same is true for the Book of Mormon.  Why wouldn't you want another book that proclaims the gospel of Jesus Christ?

I know that I often rely on wit and humor in life, but I can be serious as well.  I know that the Book of Mormon isn't a book that some mere man wrote.  It was written by prophets in ancient times for our day.  Though the messages are old, they are universal and apply to each and every person that has been, will be, or currently is on earth.  Jesus Christ is our savior and the Book of Mormon testifies of that on almost every page.  The message of the Book of Mormon is centered on Jesus Christ and is of great value and importance.  It will enable you to improve the quality of your life and will help you face the problems and challenges that we all face.  We all have agency in life and no one can make someone read the Book of Mormon, but I can promise you that if you sincerely read with a desire to learn more, you will find happiness.  So stop googling Mormonism, watching HBO shows about polygamous families, and singing songs from a blasphemous Broadway show about my faith, and find out about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the right way. 

Can I Speak to a Supervisor Please?

A little over a year ago I sold my old laptop on Ebay to a gentleman (and by gentleman I mean a good for nothing con artist) from South Africa.  Shortly after I paid the exorbitant international shipping fee I realized that the confirmation email I received from PayPal was false and that I had just been scammed out of a partially working Dell Inspiron laptop and 60 hard earned dollars.  I immediately began researching ways to rectify my situation.  In less than 24 hours I had called Ebay, attempted to track my package through the BYU shipping office AND the campus accounting office, emailed the US customs and border control department, the US embassy in South Africa, the South African customs and border control department, and local government officials and mail service providers in South Africa, and called the United States Postal Service package recovery hotline.  I was frustrated with myself for being naive enough to be scammed and was even more frustrated at the lack of voice I had.  I was trying everything within my power to recover my property while fighting the urge to become a victims of internet fraud vigilante. I would have given my younger brother's left arm to just recover the shipping fees I paid.  I hated the laptop I was selling and was honestly indifferent about that; I just wanted to be able to buy groceries that week.  Some punk in Nelson Mandela's homeland was reaping the benefit of my string cheese, flour tortilla, and Nutella money!

My hatred for bureaucratic red tape was heightened as a consequence of this debacle and I vowed to take down fraudulent Ebay accounts for good when I found myself in a position of governmental power one day.  I often wondered aloud why I didn't have a direct line to the UN. What good is the UN anyway if they can't help a normal global citizen out?  How often do humans demand to speak to a supervisor or someone in charge when something goes wrong?  All of the time.  But even then you're only likely to get a lower level teenage manager or the shift lead at your local Target.  You're never going to get to talk to the CEO about a problem you're facing or in my case, the leader of a country.

There is one situation in which you can communicate with the man at the top of a corporate hierarchy though; prayer.  Heavenly Father is the ultimate CEO, government official, family patriarch, and general leader of literally everything.  Why should I care that President Obama wouldn't answer my phone calls about my stolen property about to exit the US border when I was praying to someone much higher in the food chain than him?  I can assure you that there aren't any angelic interns that listen to our prayers and then forward the important ones onto Heavenly Father. He takes his own calls and offers every customer assistance.  I have seen the blessings of prayer in many different ways throughout my life.  One of which being the return of my computer quite a few months after I originally shipped it.  I have also felt the gratification of the supreme creator intently listening to every word I udder in gratitude, sorrow, frustration, and joy.  He never puts me on hold.  He never hires someone with a thick accent to talk me through solutions.  And he never discounts my opinions, fears, and stories as irrelevant.  He nods along, interjects, and fulfills his side of the bargain.  "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.  For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened." (3rd Nephi 14: 7-8)

He Lives to Hear My Soul's Complaint

Every morning we recite our missionary purpose, a quote about missionary work, and the Arizona Mesa mission statement.  I'll spare you the entire recitation, but want to share what our purpose is:

Our purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ

by helping them receive the restored gospel

through faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement,

repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost,

and enduring to the end.

We frequently ask people during our lessons basic questions to gauge where they are in their understanding of and relationship with Christ.  Common questions are "How have you felt Jesus Christ in your life personally," "Do you have a personal relationship with Christ," and "What can you do to draw closer to Christ?"  Unfortunately this isn't a question I have been asking myself lately.

Writing is more than a hobby for me.  It is a way by which I learn more about myself, process emotions, and receive personal revelation.  As I was struggling this past week I decided I was going to write a letter about the trials I am wading through because I knew it would help me pinpoint the crux of my emotional instability.  I ended up composing the letter and sending it in a rather lengthy email to a good friend of mine because I knew she would care and would have valuable input to give me.  The response she sent was full of love and comforting reminders of things I know to be true but that are hard to remember when you're having a difficult time.

She encouraged me to sing the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives and focus on a few of the lines.  The text she shared with me was meaningful, but while I sang through the lyrics in the shower this morning, different ones actually struck me; He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

I pride myself on my self-sufficiency.  Pride is the negative focal point of that sentence.  I get so stuck on being independent and not accepting help that I often don't even rely on Christ when I should.  How can I invite others to come unto Christ when I am not actively pursuing a stronger relationship with him? He lives to hear my soul's complaint!  Why have I been complaining to myself by way of journal entries instead of complaining to the one person who wants to hear it and can do something about it?  I am foolish, that is why.

As I took the time today during my personal study to inventory my relationship with Christ I recognized that my pride and stubborn nature will be my downfall.  I have never done anything harder in my life than what I am doing now.  Daily I am faced with situations that push me beyond my comfort zone and demand my diligent improvement.  I frequently find my mind wandering to my former life and the future beyond my mission and I've been in Arizona for an entire month. While I'm actively attempting to put everything on the sacrificial altar for 18 months while I serve The Lord, I often come up short.  Clearly I have a lot of areas in which I should be seeking the help and comfort of Christ to improve.  

I'm going to be honest.  I have no clue why I'm in Mesa, Arizona of all places in the world and I struggle with that.  There are literally 405 missions on this earth and I don't know what made this one the special one.  Sometimes I think I've been given more than I can bare because of the many connections and memories that I have here.  It would be much easier to forget everything if I was in Uruguay, Connecticut, or one of the other couple hundred missions I have no relatives, friends, or memories in.  While I continue to pray and figure out what my individual purpose is here in Arizona I have to rely on Christ to help me with the burdens I am laden with and remember that I can do hard things.  After all, in the words of one of my good friends, I am Amanda Poppe.

I decided today that I am going to rely on Christ more because that doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger.  I have relied on Him before and know that He has the power to relieve my guilt, mend my broken heart, motivate me to change, and just love me.  I promise to all of those reading this post that if you sincerely pray and actively build your relationship with Christ you will notice a difference.  He doesn't require much of us, just a humble heart and a desire to change. Even if we can't offer those things He will love us, and sometimes love is all we need to make it through the storms that will inevitably attempt to drown us.