Training for Satan's 5K

When I was in 6th grade I decided I had had enough of our physical fitness tests in school. I devised a plan to get me out of our spring half mile run that proved to be successful. I knew that if I could come up with a reason to go to the doctor that I could manipulate my mother into making the appointment during gym class on the day of the infamous 800 without her suspecting anything. I wasn't going to fake an illness; that would be too hard to pull off.  I knew my abilities and limits. I have been cursed with ingrown toe nails my entire life, compliments of my father's genetics, and that was my in.  My dad had just had one removed at the doctor and I was going to follow his medical example. Our gym teacher gave us a week or so notice for when the big event would be and then I artfully waited until two or three days before then to tell my mom that I HAD to go to the doctor to get my toe nail fixed. She said she would call the next morning. I nonchalantly suggested the day and time that would work best for my overbearing 6th grade schedule and she conformed. When we arrived at the doctor, I was informed that my ingrown toenail wasn't that bad and was sent back on my way.  I didn't care though, because I got out of running at a humiliatingly slow pace with all my classmates and my only punishment was a reprimand for being a drama queen about my toe and a B in PE because I conveniently never had time to stay after school to make up my run. I tell this story to illustrate one important point; I absolutely loath running.

I've tried to get into running a few times during my life because I wanted a runner's physique, but it never stuck. I usually give it a go for a few weeks and then decide that it isn't worth the effort. Imagine my horror when my mission president and his wife announced that we would be running a 5K as a mission the Monday before Thanksgiving. I immediately hated my life. We were given a modified Couch to 5K training schedule and cheerfully told to give it our all and results would follow. Shortly thereafter I dubbed the race Satan's 5K and didn't truly know how fitting that name would prove to be.

From the get go I knew it would be harder than ever to get into running because I couldn't bump my jams while I hit the pavement. In the past I put my ear buds in and turned up some form of teen pop music to a volume just beneath ear drum shattering in order to drown out my heavy breathing. Without upbeat melodies and horribly written, yet alarmingly catchy lyrics in my ears, I was left with only an angry inner diatribe and gasps for air to serenade my run (which is really more like a brisk walk with a bounce). Very quickly, my negative thoughts branched out and multiplied until every morning my work out included a tangled web of self loathing thoughts and lies. Not too long after we started training for our 5K, the destructive ideas started to leak past my half an hour work out and into the hour I got ready as well.

"I hate running because I'm so out of shape," lead to, "I'm never going to get good at this," which usually turned in to, "if I don't get good at running, I'll never be in shape." That line undoubtedly spun in to, "and if I'm never in shape I'll clearly never get married."  From there, my thoughts rapidly escalated to, "if I never get married, I'll be such a disappointment to my family and culture.  And if I never get married I'll never have kids and I'll never fulfill my womanly duty to be a mother. Why am I even on a mission? Maybe we are struggling to find people to teach in this area because I'm not pretty enough. I bet attractive missionaries have more success.  That's the real reason why we have to run this 5K. We're supposed to be getting into better shape so we can be more beautiful and find people to teach. Why is my companion such a fast runner; she is literally a gazelle. A GAZELLE. MAYBE AN ANTELOPE. I DON'T KNOW.  I'm so slow and she has got to hate me for slowing her down. I wish I could just fall on a cactus and break my leg so I wouldn't have to run anymore and be a hindrance to my companion. Why aren't there any cacti on our running route? I would probably be a hindrance to a husband too. I mean, I'm 23 and on a mission. Man, my breathing sounds like an angry walrus gasping for air. Maybe Heavenly Father sent me on a mission as a form of busy work, since I have approximately 60 more years of unmarried life ahead of me. Well, probably only 40 since I'm bad at running so my heart will give out." And on and on an on, for an hour and a half every single morning.

Me when I was angry about running. GRRRRRR.

My companion during her morning run.

Maybe I'm a little dramatic. I know. But c'mon...it was running! Without Selena Gomez!

When it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I was dreading waking up in the morning because I knew I would have to run, and subsequently spend an hour and a half with my own brain, I decided something needed to change.

As missionaries, we reference the scripture Ether 12:27 frequently. It reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their 

weakness [RUNNING].  I give unto men weakness that 

they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all 

men that humble themselves before me; for if they 

humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, 

then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(emphasis and angry color choice added)

Running is definitely a weakness of mine, but I realized that my bigger weaknesses were pride and doubt. I felt that running was such a trivial thing that I couldn't pray and ask for help because Heavenly Father didn't want to hear about my physical activity woes. After I humbled myself and knew that the only way I was going to get myself out of bed morning after morning was with a lot of divine help, I went to my knees and my thoughts changed. Did I really believe that I'll never get married? No. But it is still my biggest fear, and Satan plays on our fears. When I acknowledged that I was allowing Satan to be my running partner every morning it made it far easier to change my attitude and perspective. The only true statement in my angry stream of consciousness was that my companion is literally a gazelle. I can get in shape in a thousand different ways that aren't running. I can get married without being a model (or a gazelle). I will have children at some point in eternity, because I have been promised that. I don't really want to break my leg; that would be awful. I will most likely live beyond the age of 63. Most importantly, Heavenly Father didn't call me on a mission to kill time while he came up with something else for me to do. We're never asked to do something to just occupy our time.

I was so upset at myself for letting Satan rule my thoughts and guide the opinions I had of myself. I should have known better than to let him diminish my self worth and divine nature. But that's why he's so good at what he does, he's sneaky. With a lot of prayer and a conscious effort to think of happy (or at least neutral) things while I ran, my weaknesses became stronger. When I can't think of anything positive while I'm running, I count. It's not necessarily uplifting, but it keeps my mind occupied, and eventually I find that my mind has wandered somewhere else more positive. I often think about what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would tell me if they were running beside me. I'm sure they wouldn't judge my slow progress, in fact, they would likely commend me for building myself up to the point that I can almost run a mile without stopping. As I pray each night and in the morning I ask for the strength to push myself a little harder and for the mental endurance to keep my thoughts positive. AND IT WORKS. Every single day that I depend on the Lord, He makes it possible for me to do something I hate. More impressive than my running triumphs, is the progress I've made in turning my doubt to faith and my pride to humility.

I can testify that the Lord will truly help us along our paths if we seek His assistance. We can expect immediate assistance and gradual growth. 

Maybe I will look like this down the road when I am 100% better at running. Except I would never wear a red head band with a pink sweater. So maybe that will just be my running aura.

Jesus Wasn't a Perfectionist

I wear my perfectionism like a white ink tattoo on the inside of my wrist.  If you're looking for it, it is definitely visible. The slightly inflamed lettering flashes into view in certain circumstances, but for the most part the inconspicuous location and natural camouflage don't draw attention to the defining art work. It peaks out more abundantly in some situations. Such occasions as when I scrub the kitchen sink with a toothbrush or when I am scrap booking. But then it retreats and stays hidden from the general public on the safe inside of my right wrist where it won't make a mockery of the girl it has always been attached to. There are days that is seems as if I've outlined the tattoo in glitter eyeliner because my perfectionism is so forthright and painfully obvious. In those moments I often reflect on why I have such a strong desire to cling to an unattainable standard of performance.

I have spent the majority of my life allowing perfectionism to cripple my talents and abilities because I am afraid to do anything in the eyesight of others that could be rated as anything less than five stars. I stopped playing volleyball in high school because I deemed myself not athletic enough. I refused to play the piano at church because I would miss a note here or there and knew that my imperfect performance would simultaneously draw too much negative attention to myself and detract from the spirit of the Sabbath. I didn't audition for music groups in college because clearly my lack of perfect pitch made me unfit for musical performance, though my years of high school experience spoke far greater of my musical capabilities. I never entered any writing scholarship competitions in college because I figured it was a waste of the judge's time to even read my losing piece of work. I even spent two years talking myself out of serving a mission because I knew my talents and capabilities would never classify me as the stereotypical sister missionary. Time and time again I decided that others would judge me before I gave them the opportunity to. 

I often justify my behavior by believing that Jesus was perfect, therefore I should strive for that as well. In fact I was told regularly as a child through Sunday School songs, teacher's words, my parents expectations, and Christian culture at large that I should strive to be like my perfect brother Jesus.  WWJD was more than the embroidery on a fad bracelet that covered my tattoo; it was, and continues to be, the driving force behind many of my actions. 

Here's the thing though, Jesus wasn't a perfectionist.

per·fec·tion·ist: a person who refuses to accept any standard less than perfection.


He was definitely perfect.

per·fect: having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.


But never was he a perfectionist.  

Jesus spent his entire life surrounded by some of Heavenly Father's most imperfect children, yet he loved them all.  Further, he came to Earth with the single goal of bringing to fruition His father's goal, "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" through his selfless sacrifice (Moses 1:39). We were commanded to be perfect, but we were never commanded to be perfectionists.  Being perfect includes helping our fellow men, loving God above ourselves, and not killing people.  Being perfect doesn't require that we pin every hair perfectly in place on our heads or that we spend over 20 hours on a 10th grade literature project that only required an hour or 2 of labor (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience...). 

Being perfect requires relying on Heavenly Father and Christ; there is simply no way to do it alone.  That is where perfectionist ideology completely dies.  A perfectionist will do all that is required of her without the assistance of anyone or anything. We are told, "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ;...that ye become holy, without spot." (Moroni 10:32-33).

Through the flawless and redeeming act of Christ's suffering in Gethsemane and crucifixion on the cross, we may all be made perfect in him.  His grace will be sufficient to make us clean, whole, and perfect. No amount of intelligence, skill, practice, or exertion can compensate for the grace of God through Christ's atonement. I will never be a perfect pianist, singer, sister, missionary, culinary artist, friend, or athlete, but neither will anyone else. I can become a perfect daughter of God though, and that is all my father has ever expected of me.

An Open Letter to My Truth Seeking Friend

An open letter to my truth seeking friend:

I know you are lost. I know you are confused. I know your eyes are closed. Your posture, expression, and words tell me some of this. Your sighs, attitude, and reluctance share the story as well. Your hands fidget, your gaze adverts, and you cross and uncross your legs as you feel the truth and then let it slip through your fingers just as
quickly as it grazed your heart. You believe. You don't believe. You trust, and then you don't. You desire; you always desire. Through all the conflicting silent thoughts your betraying face screams, I know a desire and yearning for the truth is the single constant in your clouded mind of variables.

Your ceaseless desire to align your will with God's is the beginning seed of faith. In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Alma wrote, "...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Your desire can crowd out doubt and carve a small enough space in the fertile soil of your soul for a seed of faith to flourish. Focus on your desire when instinct tells you to zero in on the ever present possibility that your small seed will never grow into something self-sustaining, let alone something large and beautiful. Let your desire fuel you as you dedicate yourself to tending the seed of faith you planted. Doubt will hail down and annihilate your faith, so keep it out of your forecast. Shower your seed with desire, fertilize it with diligence, and nurture it with time. A crop doesn't sprout over night, and your faith won't either. Don't let go of your desire.

I know, I know. I know you are lost, but I also know you are found. Heavenly Father desires for you to learn the truth more than you desire it for yourself. In this respect, you are found. As you wander, He watches. As you struggle through the maze, he places people at pivotal points in your path to guide and help you. You may feel that you're lost, but He is aware of where you are. Trust in those who are there to help you. In Matthew 7:20, Jesus said, "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." If your Heaven sent helpers are inviting you to do good things then their fruits are good. If they aren't inviting you to do good things then they're not Heaven sent and you don't need to pay them heed. This can be confusing if you let it, so don't. Judge every fruit and then cast away or keep the tree the fruit is coming from. And remember, you desire to know the truth.

Still more, I know. I know you are confused, but I also know you have all the answers. Answers come in a variety of ways. If you pray with sincerity to know something, you will be provided with an answer. It probably won't come in a strike of lightning or as a grand vision. Heavenly Father answers our pleas through scripture, prophets, other
people, and personal revelation. You can't say you haven't heard God speak to you if you haven't explored all possible avenues. Read the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon. These books both testify of Christ and are inspired accounts by real prophets. Within the universal messages these books proclaim are tiny treasures tailored just for you. Beyond personal studying, many answers can be found through religious peers and leaders. Go to church to be edified by others. I am here for you and others are too. Reach for them. Let them grab you and take you in. Meditate on all that you've learned and pray some more. Through a faithful regiment of studying, praying, discussing, and listening without doubt and cynicism, you WILL receive answers. I promise you this. You do desire answers after all, they will come.

I know, and He knows too. I know your eyes are closed, but I also know that you are seeking. Though your heart remains hard at times, it is softening. As you tentatively begin to earnestly seek for answers, your eyes will open. It will take work. As long as you're not willing to work, your eyes will remain blind to the truth just in front of
you. Until you are ready to read from holy scripture (not shady websites and un-sourced blogs), worship with supportive believers, and open your heart to the possibility that your perception may be wrong, your eyes will remain closed and I will genuinely pity you. I desire that you will stop desiring and start working.

I've yet to meet a farmer that yields success without sacrifice, but I've also never met a farmer that doesn't love his crops. Sacrifice time. Sacrifice old habits. Sacrifice pride, pre-conceived notions, and fear. Sacrifice it all and I promise your heart will swell as you survey your spirit and find vast fields of faith ready to cultivate and harvest. It is time to let your desire grow.

With love and the utmost sincerity,

Your friend who holds the truth

#sharkweek and addictions

This is Bruce. Bruce is addicted to fish; particularly tropical fish. Take your eyes off of his bared teeth for a moment and focus on his eyes. What are his eyes telling you? To me, they're saying, "I don't care that I have consciously promised myself--and my fish abstaining sharky pals--that I will not eat another fish. Fish are definitely food, not friends and I AM TIRED OF SEAWEED. #angryshark #carnivore #iwanttoeatalltheseafoodintheworldbecauseiamashark." That is a lot for a pair of undersized eyes to relay, but I am confident they are shouting those words. Bruce's eyes aren't the only ones that have said that. The eyes of addicts everywhere glaze over and are laced with the same amount of crazy drive each day.  Like Bruce, countless individuals vow to not take another drink, never pop another pill, or quit their pornography habit cold turkey. In a less dramatic, but more realistic way, others swear off chocolate, say they'll never play Candy Crush again after they reach level 500, and fast from online shopping. Addictions come in a variety of boxes and not all are life threatening, but all are spiritually threatening.

As a missionary, I am frequently asked why members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints abstain from alcohol, tobacco, illegal drugs, coffee, and tea. While there are inherent health benefits in not partaking of certain substances, the potential for addiction is a large reason why Mormons don't consume specific items. We are counseled to steer clear of any thing that may be personally addicting because the moment we become enslaved to something, we lose our agency and our ability to make clear decisions. Is Bruce choosing to hunt fish, or are his insatiable senses driving him to do something mad? Is your Words with Friends habit just a fun hobby, or does it get in the way of your homework, chores, scripture study, and other duties? Bruce has such a fish problem, that when he sees Dory and Nemo he doesn't have control at all. In his haste to satisfy his enormous cravings, he inadvertently sets off a host of old WWII bombs and creates an inferno in the Benthic Zone. Addictions change us into someone we are not. Anything is able to be overcome, even problems that you have struggled with for years, even decades. Genetic dispositions are no excuse either; all is possible with diligence and a firm dependence on Christ. Look into support groups, ask friends for help, and remove addictive substances, habits, and tendencies from your life.  Most of all though, rely on the savior, Jesus Christ to help you overcome addictive obstacles. It won't be easy, but it will be doable. 

***Here are a few good talks about addictions! 

Overcoming Addiction through the Atonement

Addiction or Freedom

Holla Atcha Ladies!

I brought my good friend, Kyle, with me to church a few times while we were in high school.  After one of our trips to church she said, "Every time I go to church with you they talk about womanhood! I'm going to start calling the last hour of church Womanhood."  I assured her that we learned more than how to clean a home, raise children, and make our husbands happy at church, though I'm not certain she ever fully believed me. We had a few lessons a year on homemaking, but typically we focused on other religious topics.  During my teenage years I was a stereotypical go-getter.  I was overly involved in extra-curricular activities, enrolled in many AP and honors courses, and made it a point to spend as much time with my friends as possible.  I was pegged as a kid that was "going somewhere," and I had intentions to arrive at a spectacular destination one day. My father in recent years has taken to comparing me to Leslie Knope from the TV show Parks and Recreation because I am always taking charge of a situation and trying to get others to just do what I want them to do (I like to think that I am as funny as her too, but I'm not sure that is a contributing factor in his comparison). I did want to be a mother and a homemaker, but I felt like no one quite understood why I was so reluctant to resign myself to that fate when I had other talents to share that didn't involve birthing children. Given my personality and the ambitions I have to literally rule the world, I resented the many conversations we had at church about being a stay at home mother until I fully understood what it means to be a woman.

Sometime during my freshman year of college my mindset changed and I realized that there is inherent power in being a woman. During this same time I also took Economics 110 in which we discussed specialization and productivity.  By luck or divine design, I was able to relate my Econ 110 studies to my blossoming testimony of the Lord's view of women.  We talked a lot about a fictitious setting in which Robinson Crusoe and Friday had to collect X amount of coconuts a day and Y amount of fish.  If Robinson is better at catching fish than Friday then it makes sense that Robinson only catches fish and Friday only collects coconut.  If Friday is better than Robbie at nothing, then you find the point at which both individuals are working at maximum productivity and then have each individual do what will yield the most product with the least amount of work.  I realized the same is true in marriage.  Women have been blessed with the innate ability to love and nurture children, siblings, friends, community members, puppies, angry grocery store clerks, and literally everyone they come in contact with.  That isn't to say that men don't have the ability to love and nurture as well, but women have been blessed with a far more infinite capacity and tendency to do so.  I know all too well that some women have also been given the gifts of leadership and intelligence.  While this is true, if Robinson was better at taking care of a family than Friday wouldn't it make sense that, if their income allowed, Robinson was asked to stay at home while Friday was the CFO of a corporation?

I also recognized that I was only bothered by the go to work or be a stay at home mother dilemma because the world told me that being a stay at home mom was stifling my abilities and wasn't as important as being in the top echelons of corporate America.  There was a large part of me that yearned to get married and have children, but it was hushed by my ambition to please the masses.  Raising children, giving back to the community, supporting members of a church congregation, and efficiently running a home are noble goals.  Further, my leadership abilities and intelligence would be used in the arena of motherhood, just in different ways.  I will use my bachelor's degree and leadership abilities every day as the CEO of my own small brood.  Ultimately I realized that no matter what I decide to do, Heavenly Father will love me unconditionally.  While I decided that my ambition was ultimately to be a stay at home mother, other girls I met at college were still determined to have a career while they raised a family.  I am certain that they too will be loved as much by Heavenly Father as they were the day they left His heavenly care.  Regardless of what women decide to do with their lives, one fact remains the same; that it means something to be a woman.  It means love, it means sacrifice, it means nurturing, it means power, it means talent, it means ambition, it means adventure, it means daughter, friend, sister, mother, and teacher. It means God loves you.

To close, I want to share a quote from Quentin L. Cook:

"First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions.

You devoted sisters who are single parents for whatever reason, our hearts reach out to you with appreciation. Prophets have made it clear “that many hands stand ready to help you. The Lord is not unmindful of you. Neither is His Church.”²¹ I would hope that Latter-day Saints would be at the forefront in creating an environment in the workplace that is more receptive and accommodating to both women and men in their responsibilities as parents."

**Check out some great articles about what it means to be a woman in the LDS faith here, here, and here!

My Interview with Ellen Degeneres: Prophets

Having been raised in the LDS faith I have encountered many of the same questions over the years.  How many moms do you have?  Where is your horse and buggy? Do you know you're going to hell?  So you worship Joseph Smith, right?  Why are you so weird?  These are just a few of my favorite gems.  I've decided to dedicate one post a month to answering a frequently asked question.  Here's the thing though, FAQ lists are for college admissions websites and door to door vacuum sales pamphlets.  I figured a (fake) interview with Ellen Degeneres would get my point across and be a little less like reading a manual on how to put together your IKEA nightstand.  Ellen, if you read this and ever want to do a real interview, I would love to grace your program with my presence (and give every member in the audience a free Book of Mormon! I'd even throw in a red marking pencil #bigspender).

Ellen:  I hope you are all excited for today's program; it is going to be one to remember.  We have a very special guest that I can't wait for you to meet.  It's Channing Tatum!  But before we get to the dessert of this program we have to eat our less delicious vegetables.  We are going to have a recurring guest at the end of every month who will come and answer a question about the Mormon faith.  Please welcome Sister Poppe, a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--otherwise known as the broccoli of today's broadcast.

(mild awkward clapping; a few hisses; a few boos; a cat's meow; one exuberant cheer--from my mother)

Sister P:  Thank you for having me on today, Ellen.  It's a pleasure.

Ellen:  It's nice to have you.  Today I would like to focus on one question that many people have about Mormonism.  What is this business about prophets on the Earth today?

Sister P:  I'm glad you asked that Ellen.  The belief that there is a prophet on the earth today is a unique message that only the LDS faith offers.  A prophet is someone that acts as the mouthpiece of God on earth. Think of the prophets in the Bible; Abraham, Moses, Jeremiah, etc.  They were all individuals called of God to teach people and guide them.  That is what the current prophet, Thomas S. Monson, does.  He is called of God to lead humanity.  We believe that President Monson has the power to receive revelation from God to help people on their journey to return to Heavenly Father.  The prophet doesn't rule our lives.  He gives us guidelines that will lead to a happy lifestyle that is in accordance with God's plan.  Picture this: Dumbledore and Elsa have a baby that has all of their greatest qualities AND the ability to communicate with Heavenly Father and that is a prophet.  Someone kind, wise, humble, and a little baller.

Ellen:  Don't you think it's a little crazy to believe that there is a man on earth today that communicates with God directly?  I mean, even Dory is skeptical of this principle and she's a dingy true blue.

Sister P:  If you truly believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then it isn't that outlandish to believe that there is a prophet on earth today.  Christians across the planet believe that there were prophets during the Biblical era. If Moses could lead the Israelites across the Red Sea, then why can't a man today lead me through the treacherous times we live in? Why wouldn't there be a prophet today?  Heavenly Father loves all of his children equally.  He wouldn't provide a leader for his sons and daughters millennia ago and not do it today. There have been periods of time without prophets on the earth, but that's a discussion for a different day.  I believe that Thomas S. Monson has been called of God to direct people today and that after he dies another man will be called of God to direct in his stead.  I can't make you believe it, but I can promise that if you learn more, read the Book of Mormon, and pray to know if there is a prophet today that you will receive a personalized answer from Heavenly Father.  That is how prayer works.

Ellen:  Thank you, Sister P.  We definitely have a lot to think about after your visit.  I am looking forward to your April visit where you will talk some more with us about the intricacies of the Mormon religion.  Alright. We are going to have a quick break before a big dish of Channing Tatum dessert!

He Lives to Hear My Soul's Complaint

Every morning we recite our missionary purpose, a quote about missionary work, and the Arizona Mesa mission statement.  I'll spare you the entire recitation, but want to share what our purpose is:

Our purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ

by helping them receive the restored gospel

through faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement,

repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost,

and enduring to the end.

We frequently ask people during our lessons basic questions to gauge where they are in their understanding of and relationship with Christ.  Common questions are "How have you felt Jesus Christ in your life personally," "Do you have a personal relationship with Christ," and "What can you do to draw closer to Christ?"  Unfortunately this isn't a question I have been asking myself lately.

Writing is more than a hobby for me.  It is a way by which I learn more about myself, process emotions, and receive personal revelation.  As I was struggling this past week I decided I was going to write a letter about the trials I am wading through because I knew it would help me pinpoint the crux of my emotional instability.  I ended up composing the letter and sending it in a rather lengthy email to a good friend of mine because I knew she would care and would have valuable input to give me.  The response she sent was full of love and comforting reminders of things I know to be true but that are hard to remember when you're having a difficult time.

She encouraged me to sing the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives and focus on a few of the lines.  The text she shared with me was meaningful, but while I sang through the lyrics in the shower this morning, different ones actually struck me; He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

I pride myself on my self-sufficiency.  Pride is the negative focal point of that sentence.  I get so stuck on being independent and not accepting help that I often don't even rely on Christ when I should.  How can I invite others to come unto Christ when I am not actively pursuing a stronger relationship with him? He lives to hear my soul's complaint!  Why have I been complaining to myself by way of journal entries instead of complaining to the one person who wants to hear it and can do something about it?  I am foolish, that is why.

As I took the time today during my personal study to inventory my relationship with Christ I recognized that my pride and stubborn nature will be my downfall.  I have never done anything harder in my life than what I am doing now.  Daily I am faced with situations that push me beyond my comfort zone and demand my diligent improvement.  I frequently find my mind wandering to my former life and the future beyond my mission and I've been in Arizona for an entire month. While I'm actively attempting to put everything on the sacrificial altar for 18 months while I serve The Lord, I often come up short.  Clearly I have a lot of areas in which I should be seeking the help and comfort of Christ to improve.  

I'm going to be honest.  I have no clue why I'm in Mesa, Arizona of all places in the world and I struggle with that.  There are literally 405 missions on this earth and I don't know what made this one the special one.  Sometimes I think I've been given more than I can bare because of the many connections and memories that I have here.  It would be much easier to forget everything if I was in Uruguay, Connecticut, or one of the other couple hundred missions I have no relatives, friends, or memories in.  While I continue to pray and figure out what my individual purpose is here in Arizona I have to rely on Christ to help me with the burdens I am laden with and remember that I can do hard things.  After all, in the words of one of my good friends, I am Amanda Poppe.

I decided today that I am going to rely on Christ more because that doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger.  I have relied on Him before and know that He has the power to relieve my guilt, mend my broken heart, motivate me to change, and just love me.  I promise to all of those reading this post that if you sincerely pray and actively build your relationship with Christ you will notice a difference.  He doesn't require much of us, just a humble heart and a desire to change. Even if we can't offer those things He will love us, and sometimes love is all we need to make it through the storms that will inevitably attempt to drown us.