ACT and ye shall receive

I’m sitting at the MVD waiting for B136 to be called so I can apply for an Arizona driver’s license. Apparently when you live in a town populated with more than 4,000 people there are lines and numbers? This is all foreign to me. I had been warned that the lines can be excruciatingly long, so I came prepared with my laptop and decided to make better on my goal to blog more often now that I’m home from my mission.

The general stress of adulthood has been weighing heavily on my heart this week. As I'm trying to remain optimistic about all the decisions I'm being faced with currently, I've been blessed to remember a powerful lesson I learned as a young woman fresh from primary. A lesson I didn't even realize I learned until quite a few years after it was taught.

When I was 12 the youth in my ward took a trip to Nauvoo, Illinois. It was the first time I was old enough to attend a youth temple trip and I was excited to be deemed spiritually mature enough to do something vital for others' salvation. I tend to remember the most inconsequential details of experiences and this trip is no exception. I remember we had taco salad the first night we were there, after it poured rain on the beautiful forested cabin site we were lodging at. I remember my dad saying as we watched the senior elders pound hot metal that when he served a senior mission he just wanted to be the blacksmith in the blacksmith shop and my mom could bake the bread down the road. I remember sleeping in the seat directly behind the driver in my parents’ Ford Expedition as we made the four-hour pilgrimage to do the work of our ancestors. I remember being awake in that same seat to listen to a cassette tape of a John Bytheway fireside that would stay with me until this day.

There are certain things we hear that resonate with us and we aren’t quite sure why at the time. I don’t remember much of the talk we listened to, but one key point has stuck with me for years. Every few months I hear Brother Bytheway’s voice pounding how he receives personal revelation into my mind. It wasn’t until the last year of my life that I started to understand why the Spirit has quietly brought that talk to the forefront of my mind for more than a decade. It has guided pivotal decisions in my young adulthood.

One of the points that was made in this recorded fireside is that when we are praying to make a decision we often wait for an answer, when we instead need to pray and then act to confirm our desire. He shared how this rule of thumb operated heavily when he was courting his wife. He thought she was a great young EFY counselor so he prayed and said, “Heavenly Father. I really like this girl. I want to ask her on a date. So I’m going to do it. Stop me if I’m wrong.” He proceeded to ask her out and wasn’t stopped so he moved forward. He continued with very similar prayers as he prayed to know if he should take her on another date, if he should stop dating other girls and only date her, and when he had decided he wanted to marry her. In every situation he never received an overpowering yes. Instead he told Heavenly Father what he wanted and then moved forward with confidence.

I prayed and prayed and prayed toward the end of my mission to know where I was supposed to live. Determined to receive an answer one morning, I knelt on the floor of our closet and prayed verbally. I figured if it worked for Joseph Smith, it could work for me! Out of frustration I started listing every possible place I would want to live: Minnesota, Iowa, Provo, Salt Lake City, Arizona, Boston, Washington D.C., New York City, Pennsylvania, Los Angeles, Portland, Chicago . . . I started listing places I’d never want to live: Idaho, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas . . . Nothing was bringing a solid answer. As a few angry tears rolled down my cheeks I returned to Arizona and paused. John Bytheway’s words came to my mind and I decided that I needed to act. Nothing would bring a confirmation in this situation until I acted. A few days later I took this to the temple for my last zone temple trip as a missionary. I told Heavenly Father that unless he stopped me, I decided to move back to Arizona because things just seemed to work. I could live with my grandma, use her spare car, and there were more solid marriage prospects in the valley than in Minnesota. It all made sense and I just felt like it was the right decision. So I moved forward. But it wasn’t with confidence. Though I felt good about everything I was beyond terrified. This was the first adult decision I have ever made that could end up being permanent.

John Bytheway’s words are what lead me to the MVD today. I realized that I was putting off getting an Arizona driver’s license because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. My Minnesota license doesn’t expire until my next birthday so I had subconsciously told myself that I had until April to decide if I really liked it here and if I did I’d get a license. If I didn’t I’d figure out what my next move was. Do I have faith that the Lord has a plan? Do I have faith that his plan doesn’t always unfold within a few weeks of us making a life-altering decision? Do I have faith that I will never be lead astray? Then I needed to embrace my decision, move forward with confidence, and get a license in the state I very well might reside in until I die.

As I’m finishing this post in my grandma’s basement I feel like Satan has one less thing to taunt me with. I’ve committed to life here and have a beyond horrible picture on a state issued ID to prove it. True, it hurt a little when the lady punched a hole in the right corner of my Minnesota license, making it invalid, but it also felt like growing up. They're called growing pains for a reason. I am living in full confidence that the Lord just wanted me to show my faith instead of declare it. Now He will show me what He has in store. He’ll show you what He has in store too if you leave behind your apprehension and start acting on your righteous desires after you’ve prayed, instead of only praying for a yes or no.


***Elder Bednar talks on a similar principle in some great Mormon Messages.  They've been put together in one video below:

Training for Satan's 5K

When I was in 6th grade I decided I had had enough of our physical fitness tests in school. I devised a plan to get me out of our spring half mile run that proved to be successful. I knew that if I could come up with a reason to go to the doctor that I could manipulate my mother into making the appointment during gym class on the day of the infamous 800 without her suspecting anything. I wasn't going to fake an illness; that would be too hard to pull off.  I knew my abilities and limits. I have been cursed with ingrown toe nails my entire life, compliments of my father's genetics, and that was my in.  My dad had just had one removed at the doctor and I was going to follow his medical example. Our gym teacher gave us a week or so notice for when the big event would be and then I artfully waited until two or three days before then to tell my mom that I HAD to go to the doctor to get my toe nail fixed. She said she would call the next morning. I nonchalantly suggested the day and time that would work best for my overbearing 6th grade schedule and she conformed. When we arrived at the doctor, I was informed that my ingrown toenail wasn't that bad and was sent back on my way.  I didn't care though, because I got out of running at a humiliatingly slow pace with all my classmates and my only punishment was a reprimand for being a drama queen about my toe and a B in PE because I conveniently never had time to stay after school to make up my run. I tell this story to illustrate one important point; I absolutely loath running.

I've tried to get into running a few times during my life because I wanted a runner's physique, but it never stuck. I usually give it a go for a few weeks and then decide that it isn't worth the effort. Imagine my horror when my mission president and his wife announced that we would be running a 5K as a mission the Monday before Thanksgiving. I immediately hated my life. We were given a modified Couch to 5K training schedule and cheerfully told to give it our all and results would follow. Shortly thereafter I dubbed the race Satan's 5K and didn't truly know how fitting that name would prove to be.

From the get go I knew it would be harder than ever to get into running because I couldn't bump my jams while I hit the pavement. In the past I put my ear buds in and turned up some form of teen pop music to a volume just beneath ear drum shattering in order to drown out my heavy breathing. Without upbeat melodies and horribly written, yet alarmingly catchy lyrics in my ears, I was left with only an angry inner diatribe and gasps for air to serenade my run (which is really more like a brisk walk with a bounce). Very quickly, my negative thoughts branched out and multiplied until every morning my work out included a tangled web of self loathing thoughts and lies. Not too long after we started training for our 5K, the destructive ideas started to leak past my half an hour work out and into the hour I got ready as well.

"I hate running because I'm so out of shape," lead to, "I'm never going to get good at this," which usually turned in to, "if I don't get good at running, I'll never be in shape." That line undoubtedly spun in to, "and if I'm never in shape I'll clearly never get married."  From there, my thoughts rapidly escalated to, "if I never get married, I'll be such a disappointment to my family and culture.  And if I never get married I'll never have kids and I'll never fulfill my womanly duty to be a mother. Why am I even on a mission? Maybe we are struggling to find people to teach in this area because I'm not pretty enough. I bet attractive missionaries have more success.  That's the real reason why we have to run this 5K. We're supposed to be getting into better shape so we can be more beautiful and find people to teach. Why is my companion such a fast runner; she is literally a gazelle. A GAZELLE. MAYBE AN ANTELOPE. I DON'T KNOW.  I'm so slow and she has got to hate me for slowing her down. I wish I could just fall on a cactus and break my leg so I wouldn't have to run anymore and be a hindrance to my companion. Why aren't there any cacti on our running route? I would probably be a hindrance to a husband too. I mean, I'm 23 and on a mission. Man, my breathing sounds like an angry walrus gasping for air. Maybe Heavenly Father sent me on a mission as a form of busy work, since I have approximately 60 more years of unmarried life ahead of me. Well, probably only 40 since I'm bad at running so my heart will give out." And on and on an on, for an hour and a half every single morning.

Me when I was angry about running. GRRRRRR.

My companion during her morning run.

Maybe I'm a little dramatic. I know. But c'mon...it was running! Without Selena Gomez!

When it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I was dreading waking up in the morning because I knew I would have to run, and subsequently spend an hour and a half with my own brain, I decided something needed to change.

As missionaries, we reference the scripture Ether 12:27 frequently. It reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their 

weakness [RUNNING].  I give unto men weakness that 

they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all 

men that humble themselves before me; for if they 

humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, 

then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(emphasis and angry color choice added)

Running is definitely a weakness of mine, but I realized that my bigger weaknesses were pride and doubt. I felt that running was such a trivial thing that I couldn't pray and ask for help because Heavenly Father didn't want to hear about my physical activity woes. After I humbled myself and knew that the only way I was going to get myself out of bed morning after morning was with a lot of divine help, I went to my knees and my thoughts changed. Did I really believe that I'll never get married? No. But it is still my biggest fear, and Satan plays on our fears. When I acknowledged that I was allowing Satan to be my running partner every morning it made it far easier to change my attitude and perspective. The only true statement in my angry stream of consciousness was that my companion is literally a gazelle. I can get in shape in a thousand different ways that aren't running. I can get married without being a model (or a gazelle). I will have children at some point in eternity, because I have been promised that. I don't really want to break my leg; that would be awful. I will most likely live beyond the age of 63. Most importantly, Heavenly Father didn't call me on a mission to kill time while he came up with something else for me to do. We're never asked to do something to just occupy our time.

I was so upset at myself for letting Satan rule my thoughts and guide the opinions I had of myself. I should have known better than to let him diminish my self worth and divine nature. But that's why he's so good at what he does, he's sneaky. With a lot of prayer and a conscious effort to think of happy (or at least neutral) things while I ran, my weaknesses became stronger. When I can't think of anything positive while I'm running, I count. It's not necessarily uplifting, but it keeps my mind occupied, and eventually I find that my mind has wandered somewhere else more positive. I often think about what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would tell me if they were running beside me. I'm sure they wouldn't judge my slow progress, in fact, they would likely commend me for building myself up to the point that I can almost run a mile without stopping. As I pray each night and in the morning I ask for the strength to push myself a little harder and for the mental endurance to keep my thoughts positive. AND IT WORKS. Every single day that I depend on the Lord, He makes it possible for me to do something I hate. More impressive than my running triumphs, is the progress I've made in turning my doubt to faith and my pride to humility.

I can testify that the Lord will truly help us along our paths if we seek His assistance. We can expect immediate assistance and gradual growth. 

Maybe I will look like this down the road when I am 100% better at running. Except I would never wear a red head band with a pink sweater. So maybe that will just be my running aura.

An Open Letter to My Truth Seeking Friend

An open letter to my truth seeking friend:

I know you are lost. I know you are confused. I know your eyes are closed. Your posture, expression, and words tell me some of this. Your sighs, attitude, and reluctance share the story as well. Your hands fidget, your gaze adverts, and you cross and uncross your legs as you feel the truth and then let it slip through your fingers just as
quickly as it grazed your heart. You believe. You don't believe. You trust, and then you don't. You desire; you always desire. Through all the conflicting silent thoughts your betraying face screams, I know a desire and yearning for the truth is the single constant in your clouded mind of variables.

Your ceaseless desire to align your will with God's is the beginning seed of faith. In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Alma wrote, "...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Your desire can crowd out doubt and carve a small enough space in the fertile soil of your soul for a seed of faith to flourish. Focus on your desire when instinct tells you to zero in on the ever present possibility that your small seed will never grow into something self-sustaining, let alone something large and beautiful. Let your desire fuel you as you dedicate yourself to tending the seed of faith you planted. Doubt will hail down and annihilate your faith, so keep it out of your forecast. Shower your seed with desire, fertilize it with diligence, and nurture it with time. A crop doesn't sprout over night, and your faith won't either. Don't let go of your desire.

I know, I know. I know you are lost, but I also know you are found. Heavenly Father desires for you to learn the truth more than you desire it for yourself. In this respect, you are found. As you wander, He watches. As you struggle through the maze, he places people at pivotal points in your path to guide and help you. You may feel that you're lost, but He is aware of where you are. Trust in those who are there to help you. In Matthew 7:20, Jesus said, "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." If your Heaven sent helpers are inviting you to do good things then their fruits are good. If they aren't inviting you to do good things then they're not Heaven sent and you don't need to pay them heed. This can be confusing if you let it, so don't. Judge every fruit and then cast away or keep the tree the fruit is coming from. And remember, you desire to know the truth.

Still more, I know. I know you are confused, but I also know you have all the answers. Answers come in a variety of ways. If you pray with sincerity to know something, you will be provided with an answer. It probably won't come in a strike of lightning or as a grand vision. Heavenly Father answers our pleas through scripture, prophets, other
people, and personal revelation. You can't say you haven't heard God speak to you if you haven't explored all possible avenues. Read the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon. These books both testify of Christ and are inspired accounts by real prophets. Within the universal messages these books proclaim are tiny treasures tailored just for you. Beyond personal studying, many answers can be found through religious peers and leaders. Go to church to be edified by others. I am here for you and others are too. Reach for them. Let them grab you and take you in. Meditate on all that you've learned and pray some more. Through a faithful regiment of studying, praying, discussing, and listening without doubt and cynicism, you WILL receive answers. I promise you this. You do desire answers after all, they will come.

I know, and He knows too. I know your eyes are closed, but I also know that you are seeking. Though your heart remains hard at times, it is softening. As you tentatively begin to earnestly seek for answers, your eyes will open. It will take work. As long as you're not willing to work, your eyes will remain blind to the truth just in front of
you. Until you are ready to read from holy scripture (not shady websites and un-sourced blogs), worship with supportive believers, and open your heart to the possibility that your perception may be wrong, your eyes will remain closed and I will genuinely pity you. I desire that you will stop desiring and start working.

I've yet to meet a farmer that yields success without sacrifice, but I've also never met a farmer that doesn't love his crops. Sacrifice time. Sacrifice old habits. Sacrifice pride, pre-conceived notions, and fear. Sacrifice it all and I promise your heart will swell as you survey your spirit and find vast fields of faith ready to cultivate and harvest. It is time to let your desire grow.

With love and the utmost sincerity,

Your friend who holds the truth

Prayer: A Thoughtful Chat with Kelly and Michael

Ellen was booked today, so I'm taking my information to the stage of Kelly and Michael.

Kelly:  Today we are hosting some top notch individuals on our program.  The widow of Steve Irwin will be joining us to discuss her new book, Tackling Alligators Alone: Life as Steve Irwin's Widow.

Michael: We also have Channing Tatum joining us to talk about muscles and things (seriously, why does Channing Tatum ALWAYS visit talk shows the same day I do).  We will start our program though with a young sister missionary from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Please welcome Sister P to our program!

[Kelly kisses Sister P on the cheek and Michael tries to, but she dodges that white handbook violation and shakes his hand; her companion, Sister Dumas is waiting backstage consoling Steve Irwin's wife and teaching the Plan of Salvation]

Kelly:  Welcome, welcome!  We are so glad you could fit a trip to New York into your limited eight hour P-day.

Sister P: Thank you for having me, Kelly and Michael.

Kelly: As many of you know, we live in a world with varying religious beliefs.  People don't have the same religious devotion that individuals had in previous decades. We wanted to get a little insight on prayer and the importance of it in our daily lives.  Sister P, what is the purpose of prayer?

Sister P:  Prayer is open communication with our Heavenly Father.  We pray for a plethora of reasons. We pray to express gratitude, to ask for blessings, to talk about our problems, to share excitement, to vent frustration, to discuss our day, and to ask questions.  Prayer is a lot like writing in a journal except someone is listening on the other side and answers.  We pray because Heavenly Father has asked us to communicate with him.  Prayer isn't just for prophets, apostles, pastors, or individuals of elevated spirituality.  Prayer is for every member of the human family.  Do you talk to your dad, Michael?

Michael: I definitely do.

Sister P:  Do your siblings talk to your dad?

Michael: They do.

Sister P:  Even when they were in trouble or felt like a disappointment?

Michael: Yes. We have all always talked to our dad no matter where we were in life.

Sister P:  Prayer works the same way.  Heavenly Father always wants to share in the ups and downs of our life and the most effective way of divine communication is prayer.

Kelly:  Now that we better understand why prayer is important, how do we do it?

Sister P:  Prayer is a lot more simple than people make it out to be.  I want you to imagine your mom cooking dinner in the kitchen while you're practicing piano in another room.  Your microwave timer is set for the half an hour you have to practice and you want to know how many minutes you have left.  You can yell, "HOW MANY MINUTES DO I HAVE LEFT?" and your mom may not acknowledge you.  She is really getting into her food processor.  She assumes that you're yelling at one of your brothers or at your incapable hands that keep missing G sharp.  If you yelled, "MOOOOOOOOOM" first though she probably will listen. After you have her attention you can ask how many minutes are left on the microwave timer and then grumble as you play through your songs one more time.  Like our mom in this story, our Heavenly Father is a very busy man.  We have to address him before we start our prayer, so we start every prayer with "Dear Heavenly Father".  We then fill our prayer with the thoughts of our heart.  I often start by listing things I am grateful for and thanking Heavenly Father for the blessings in my life.  After I have done this I go on to tell him about the hardships I am enduring and ask for assistance in bearing the burdens of life.  I will often ask for specific blessings for myself and those I care about as well.  After I have said everything I want to say, I close my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ and end with "Amen".

Kelly: So to re-cap, you say "Dear Heavenly Father," insert whatever you please, and end with "I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen".

Sister P: Yes.  Perfect.  It's a lot like an Oreo too.  You always have your two cookies; your address to Heavenly Father and your closing in the name of Christ, but you can change up the filling.  If you're having a double stuff kind of day then add a bit more fluff.  You can also mix it up with a mint flavored prayer or my favorite, birthday cake filling.

Michael:  Sister Poppe, thank you so much for meeting with us today.  You have enlightened our minds and lifted our spirits (okay, maybe I imagined that Michael said the last sentence).

Sister P: Thank you.  Send Regis my best.

[As Sister Poppe leaves an alligator is brought on stage in preparation for the wife of the late Steve Irwin]

Can I Speak to a Supervisor Please?

A little over a year ago I sold my old laptop on Ebay to a gentleman (and by gentleman I mean a good for nothing con artist) from South Africa.  Shortly after I paid the exorbitant international shipping fee I realized that the confirmation email I received from PayPal was false and that I had just been scammed out of a partially working Dell Inspiron laptop and 60 hard earned dollars.  I immediately began researching ways to rectify my situation.  In less than 24 hours I had called Ebay, attempted to track my package through the BYU shipping office AND the campus accounting office, emailed the US customs and border control department, the US embassy in South Africa, the South African customs and border control department, and local government officials and mail service providers in South Africa, and called the United States Postal Service package recovery hotline.  I was frustrated with myself for being naive enough to be scammed and was even more frustrated at the lack of voice I had.  I was trying everything within my power to recover my property while fighting the urge to become a victims of internet fraud vigilante. I would have given my younger brother's left arm to just recover the shipping fees I paid.  I hated the laptop I was selling and was honestly indifferent about that; I just wanted to be able to buy groceries that week.  Some punk in Nelson Mandela's homeland was reaping the benefit of my string cheese, flour tortilla, and Nutella money!

My hatred for bureaucratic red tape was heightened as a consequence of this debacle and I vowed to take down fraudulent Ebay accounts for good when I found myself in a position of governmental power one day.  I often wondered aloud why I didn't have a direct line to the UN. What good is the UN anyway if they can't help a normal global citizen out?  How often do humans demand to speak to a supervisor or someone in charge when something goes wrong?  All of the time.  But even then you're only likely to get a lower level teenage manager or the shift lead at your local Target.  You're never going to get to talk to the CEO about a problem you're facing or in my case, the leader of a country.

There is one situation in which you can communicate with the man at the top of a corporate hierarchy though; prayer.  Heavenly Father is the ultimate CEO, government official, family patriarch, and general leader of literally everything.  Why should I care that President Obama wouldn't answer my phone calls about my stolen property about to exit the US border when I was praying to someone much higher in the food chain than him?  I can assure you that there aren't any angelic interns that listen to our prayers and then forward the important ones onto Heavenly Father. He takes his own calls and offers every customer assistance.  I have seen the blessings of prayer in many different ways throughout my life.  One of which being the return of my computer quite a few months after I originally shipped it.  I have also felt the gratification of the supreme creator intently listening to every word I udder in gratitude, sorrow, frustration, and joy.  He never puts me on hold.  He never hires someone with a thick accent to talk me through solutions.  And he never discounts my opinions, fears, and stories as irrelevant.  He nods along, interjects, and fulfills his side of the bargain.  "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.  For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened." (3rd Nephi 14: 7-8)