Harry Potter. Faith to Move Mountains. C4. Dynamite. Jesus Christ. Salem Witch Trials.

When I was in my senior year of high school I realized I had been raised to believe many things that I actually wasn't sure I believed. As I studied political socialization in my AP Government class I began to realize that I had been heavily socialized to think a certain way. Did I really believe I was a child of God, or had I sung the lyrics so many times that I thought they rang true? Was my family actually going to be together forever, or was I swayed to believe the irresistible notion because it was a catchy sentence repeated again and again in LDS culture? There was a list of questions that I slowly pondered and prayed about over the next year or so that I gained my own testimony of. Even after I built a testimony out of the timbers of basic principles, I found myself going back often and adding a reinforcing log here or an extra nail there.  As I progressed through my college career my testimony solidified and began to be as strong as I had always wished it was. The most well tended to plank of my testimony over the years has been faith in Jesus Christ.

I have long hated the phrase, "the faith to move mountains" and it took me quite awhile to figure out why. A few years ago as I overheard a conversation between a group of naive girls discussing the probability of them getting married I realized that too often people use the phrase flippantly and incorrectly. Faith has always been fused with the Lord's will and action in my mind. Those gospel triplets all have to be present if anything miraculous is going to occur through the hands of man. When I heard people say things such as, "If you have the faith to move mountains, anything is possible. You will definitely be accepted into grad school. Just fast and pray!" I always wanted to interject, "You know, and maybe you could like actually try in class and study for the GRE and ask Heavenly Father if he even wants you to go to grad school. I don't know. Maybe? It could help? Maybe find a job that will contribute to your application and future career desires too or something. Hmm? Yeah?" I politely vocalized something similar to this once and a few of the conversation participants looked at me as if my happy meal sized portion of faith would clearly be my downfall. Oh the joys of a freshman ward at BYU. I envision that the Salem Witch Trials actually started in a manner similar to this. Some poor girl probably tried to give practical advice that harmoniously synthesized gospel principles with real life application and then she was accused of being a witch because people who think that faith is a noun instead of a verb didn't like the idea that faith would never give them a magic wand. So in a twist of unrealized irony, they accused her of being the wand holder. Faith, unfortunately, will never make us Harry Potter. If anyone would know that, it would be me. I've tried.

Hagrid will never greet me with the phrase, "You're a witch, Amanda!" Though it is heartbreaking, faith doesn't work that way.

We can only move mountains if two other things happen; first and foremost, it has to be the Lord's will for us to displace the geologic monument. Moroni touches on this when he says, "And Christ had said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me." (Moroni 7:33). If this scripture was a scientific formula, there would be no result without expedience. Faith wouldn't be enough for a reaction to occur. Faith+expedience=power.

Second, we have to be willing to move each and every single rock fragment from its current location to its new one with our own efforts. Something amazing happens when we start to act out of faith instead of wish out of faith. There's a pretty low success rate for hoping a mountain into moving. If we start to chip away at it instantly and have faith that Christ will help us though, then we will start to see miraculous things. We may be blessed with a few sticks of dynamite, a wheel barrow, and work gloves at first. As we continue to show faith, we could be handed truck loads of C4, a semi for loading and hauling away rock, and a skid loader to pick up and transport buckets of marble and shale from the mountain to the semi. We will probably be blessed with health to complete our task, extra stamina and strength to endure, and good weather too. When we've reached a point where we can't go any further, then we may be blessed with an earthquake that will completely level the portion of the mountain we have yet moved.

Faith in Jesus Christ can move a mountain, but only if the Lord and creator of this Earth wants it moved, and if we're willing to be the movers.

Training for Satan's 5K

When I was in 6th grade I decided I had had enough of our physical fitness tests in school. I devised a plan to get me out of our spring half mile run that proved to be successful. I knew that if I could come up with a reason to go to the doctor that I could manipulate my mother into making the appointment during gym class on the day of the infamous 800 without her suspecting anything. I wasn't going to fake an illness; that would be too hard to pull off.  I knew my abilities and limits. I have been cursed with ingrown toe nails my entire life, compliments of my father's genetics, and that was my in.  My dad had just had one removed at the doctor and I was going to follow his medical example. Our gym teacher gave us a week or so notice for when the big event would be and then I artfully waited until two or three days before then to tell my mom that I HAD to go to the doctor to get my toe nail fixed. She said she would call the next morning. I nonchalantly suggested the day and time that would work best for my overbearing 6th grade schedule and she conformed. When we arrived at the doctor, I was informed that my ingrown toenail wasn't that bad and was sent back on my way.  I didn't care though, because I got out of running at a humiliatingly slow pace with all my classmates and my only punishment was a reprimand for being a drama queen about my toe and a B in PE because I conveniently never had time to stay after school to make up my run. I tell this story to illustrate one important point; I absolutely loath running.

I've tried to get into running a few times during my life because I wanted a runner's physique, but it never stuck. I usually give it a go for a few weeks and then decide that it isn't worth the effort. Imagine my horror when my mission president and his wife announced that we would be running a 5K as a mission the Monday before Thanksgiving. I immediately hated my life. We were given a modified Couch to 5K training schedule and cheerfully told to give it our all and results would follow. Shortly thereafter I dubbed the race Satan's 5K and didn't truly know how fitting that name would prove to be.

From the get go I knew it would be harder than ever to get into running because I couldn't bump my jams while I hit the pavement. In the past I put my ear buds in and turned up some form of teen pop music to a volume just beneath ear drum shattering in order to drown out my heavy breathing. Without upbeat melodies and horribly written, yet alarmingly catchy lyrics in my ears, I was left with only an angry inner diatribe and gasps for air to serenade my run (which is really more like a brisk walk with a bounce). Very quickly, my negative thoughts branched out and multiplied until every morning my work out included a tangled web of self loathing thoughts and lies. Not too long after we started training for our 5K, the destructive ideas started to leak past my half an hour work out and into the hour I got ready as well.

"I hate running because I'm so out of shape," lead to, "I'm never going to get good at this," which usually turned in to, "if I don't get good at running, I'll never be in shape." That line undoubtedly spun in to, "and if I'm never in shape I'll clearly never get married."  From there, my thoughts rapidly escalated to, "if I never get married, I'll be such a disappointment to my family and culture.  And if I never get married I'll never have kids and I'll never fulfill my womanly duty to be a mother. Why am I even on a mission? Maybe we are struggling to find people to teach in this area because I'm not pretty enough. I bet attractive missionaries have more success.  That's the real reason why we have to run this 5K. We're supposed to be getting into better shape so we can be more beautiful and find people to teach. Why is my companion such a fast runner; she is literally a gazelle. A GAZELLE. MAYBE AN ANTELOPE. I DON'T KNOW.  I'm so slow and she has got to hate me for slowing her down. I wish I could just fall on a cactus and break my leg so I wouldn't have to run anymore and be a hindrance to my companion. Why aren't there any cacti on our running route? I would probably be a hindrance to a husband too. I mean, I'm 23 and on a mission. Man, my breathing sounds like an angry walrus gasping for air. Maybe Heavenly Father sent me on a mission as a form of busy work, since I have approximately 60 more years of unmarried life ahead of me. Well, probably only 40 since I'm bad at running so my heart will give out." And on and on an on, for an hour and a half every single morning.

Me when I was angry about running. GRRRRRR.

My companion during her morning run.

Maybe I'm a little dramatic. I know. But c'mon...it was running! Without Selena Gomez!

When it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night because I was dreading waking up in the morning because I knew I would have to run, and subsequently spend an hour and a half with my own brain, I decided something needed to change.

As missionaries, we reference the scripture Ether 12:27 frequently. It reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their 

weakness [RUNNING].  I give unto men weakness that 

they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all 

men that humble themselves before me; for if they 

humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, 

then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(emphasis and angry color choice added)

Running is definitely a weakness of mine, but I realized that my bigger weaknesses were pride and doubt. I felt that running was such a trivial thing that I couldn't pray and ask for help because Heavenly Father didn't want to hear about my physical activity woes. After I humbled myself and knew that the only way I was going to get myself out of bed morning after morning was with a lot of divine help, I went to my knees and my thoughts changed. Did I really believe that I'll never get married? No. But it is still my biggest fear, and Satan plays on our fears. When I acknowledged that I was allowing Satan to be my running partner every morning it made it far easier to change my attitude and perspective. The only true statement in my angry stream of consciousness was that my companion is literally a gazelle. I can get in shape in a thousand different ways that aren't running. I can get married without being a model (or a gazelle). I will have children at some point in eternity, because I have been promised that. I don't really want to break my leg; that would be awful. I will most likely live beyond the age of 63. Most importantly, Heavenly Father didn't call me on a mission to kill time while he came up with something else for me to do. We're never asked to do something to just occupy our time.

I was so upset at myself for letting Satan rule my thoughts and guide the opinions I had of myself. I should have known better than to let him diminish my self worth and divine nature. But that's why he's so good at what he does, he's sneaky. With a lot of prayer and a conscious effort to think of happy (or at least neutral) things while I ran, my weaknesses became stronger. When I can't think of anything positive while I'm running, I count. It's not necessarily uplifting, but it keeps my mind occupied, and eventually I find that my mind has wandered somewhere else more positive. I often think about what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would tell me if they were running beside me. I'm sure they wouldn't judge my slow progress, in fact, they would likely commend me for building myself up to the point that I can almost run a mile without stopping. As I pray each night and in the morning I ask for the strength to push myself a little harder and for the mental endurance to keep my thoughts positive. AND IT WORKS. Every single day that I depend on the Lord, He makes it possible for me to do something I hate. More impressive than my running triumphs, is the progress I've made in turning my doubt to faith and my pride to humility.

I can testify that the Lord will truly help us along our paths if we seek His assistance. We can expect immediate assistance and gradual growth. 

Maybe I will look like this down the road when I am 100% better at running. Except I would never wear a red head band with a pink sweater. So maybe that will just be my running aura.

Real Talk: 6 Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature

I often feel the need (and desire) to start my blog posts with a story, anecdote, or some form of pleasantries.  Writing 101 dictates that you suck your audience in with something exciting before you delve into your thesis and more important topics. Today, I'm writing about something too important to waste time with a tale from my youth or a prolonged analogy. Ain't nobody got time for rhetorical devices! I've had a lot of encounters with individuals on my mission who struggle in their faith because they've stumbled upon anti-Mormon literature. It's time that this issue is addressed from my pulpit.

I just posted this to suck you in.  Since I don't have the time for a story or anything.  Awwww, it's a bear waving at you!

Setting aside my obvious faith in the Latter-day Saint religion, there are a lot of facts to observe about why anti-Mormon information is flat out uncalled for, disrespectful, and preposterous. This has lead to my Six Thoughts on Anti-Mormon Literature (Literature. If you can even call it that):

6. There is a disproportional amount of hatorade for Mormons compared to other religions.
In a quick study I just conducted, I googled the terms "Mormons", "Catholics", "Lutherans", "Baptists", and "Islam" to see what each search would generate.  I only looked at the first page of results and gathered one solid conclusion; people love to hate on Mormons. On the first page of hits, there was already anti-Mormon sentiment.  At the bottom, related searches were things such as "why are Mormons weird," "Mormons exposed," and "Mormons polygamy".  Every other religion, including Islam, which tends to be at the center of a lot of hot button issues, didn't have a single negative website or related search surface on the first page of gathered information.


5. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a transparent organization. Mormons don't share all of the details of their sacred temple services, but they always strive to inform people of their beliefs.  Ask anyone who has completed a temple service about what they did, and they will share as much information as they can without casting their pearls before swine and sharing something sacred. Beyond the specifics of temple worship, there is a lot of information that Mormons are eager to share. There is a website, www.mormon.org, that has information, personnel ready to live chat anyone with questions, and easy to understand doctrines plainly presented for all to see.  There is a wealth of reliable, truthful information that can be found. Like I said in a previous post, don't ask Miley Cyrus for help with your Biology homework.  Don't read some bogus page called Mormon Haterz 4 Lyfe to learn about my faith. Above and beyond the written word the church produces, the church has an army of over 88,000 men and women who have one purpose: to talk to others about Mormonism.  This army will even seek you out with a few taps on your front door. For a church that is "mysterious" there are sure a lot of members that are willing to talk to others about their faith.

4. Good grief, we just want to bring you salvation. Missionaries don't get paid.  Bishops don't get paid. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir doesn't get paid.  I'm telling you, no one gets rich for being a Mormon, and there is absolutely no tangible incentive for being instrumental in someone's baptism. We really just believe we have something special to share and we want to share it with the world. Why is that a problem?

3. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE? We all have moments from our history that aren't trophy worthy. Polygamy and the failure to give colored peoples the priesthood previous to the Civil Rights Era are two dead horses that people continue to beat. How can the Mormons even be considered human beings if they once practiced polygamy? Eventually, we left the Catholics alone for sending adolescents to kill off the Muslims, so maybe it's time we stop basing an entire religion's beliefs on a brief period of their history. My dad only has one wife, so do all of my friends' dads. Kind of like how my Catholic friends don't send their babies with swords to Afghanistan anymore. But maybe in a few hundreds years people will let it go.

2. Remember that one time the Catholics lead THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE (Part II)? I know, you're still hung up on polygamy and the blacks and the priesthood.  Because seriously, how can the Mormons think they're the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and have still made mistakes. There isn't an official statement about why either of those events transpired. A lot of people have conjectures, but no one of authority has ever spoken on either issue.  This much is true though, Heavenly Father often gives revelation in a stop, go, stop pattern because he can see all of eternity in one panoramic photo (He updated to IOS 7 and has that capability). Polygamy was practiced throughout the Old Testament as prescribed by the Lord. There were times in the Old Testament that he also forbade it. We don't always know the rational, but if we have strong enough faith, we can know that all things happen for a reason. I don't know why I'm the descendant of an early Mormon polygamist family, or why Alex Boye can have the priesthood, but countless men from his ancestry couldn't. I do know that Heavenly Father calls prophets on the Earth and that the Book of Mormon is true and is valid evidence that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.  You can only reach this knowledge through prayer, study, and experience.  You can't read a website and be swayed in either direction, because that only speaks to your intellect, not your soul.

1. Mormonism is a Threat. If you're running for governor and your competitor is doing better than you, you bash him even harder than you were before.  If you and another girl are interested in the same guy, you hate her. If you're Tanya Harding and you're threatened by the talents of Nancy Kerrigan, you get some men to brutalize her leg. It's how things happen often. Satan knows that the gospel of Jesus Christ can bring people happiness, joy, and strength, so naturally he wants it abolished.  If you don't think that Satan can persuade people to do his bidding, then we can have a conversation about a man named Adolph Hitler over some Smashburger a little later. Anyway. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormon church, IS the church Christ established while he was on Earth.  It was lost when he was crucified and revived through Joseph Smith. People can sense truth, and to some that is a fearful thing. Why not use a few red herrings to lead people away from the truth? LOOK! TEMPLE GARMENTS! OR AS I CALL IT, MAGIC UNDERWEAR, RUN AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. I'm telling you, one of the biggest testimony builders of the validity of Mormon doctrine for me is the fact that so many people try so hard to tear it down. There are probably more tubes of Burt's Bee's Lip Balm that are sold a year than members of the church. We aren't a threat because of our size, we're a threat because we're right.


People who have strong opinions will always share them, but that doesn't mean they're true. I once penned a blog post about Taylor Swift and her lack of talent.  I hate her music; it's no secret, but that doesn't mean that my single opinion is correct. As always, I know that my words will not sway you in either direction. If you're set on reading anti-Mormon literature, then you will continue to do so. I know that the only way you'll ever find truth, peace, and understanding is through study and prayer.  Pick up your Bible, get a Book of Mormon, study them together and pray and you will get an answer.  Answers come through feelings.  If you feel something positive, it's of God.  If you feel something negative, it's of Satan.  It's a simple litmus test.  How do you feel when you read 78 Reasons Mormons Are Actually Man Eating Dragons? How do you feel when you read The Book of Mormon?

An Open Letter to My Truth Seeking Friend

An open letter to my truth seeking friend:

I know you are lost. I know you are confused. I know your eyes are closed. Your posture, expression, and words tell me some of this. Your sighs, attitude, and reluctance share the story as well. Your hands fidget, your gaze adverts, and you cross and uncross your legs as you feel the truth and then let it slip through your fingers just as
quickly as it grazed your heart. You believe. You don't believe. You trust, and then you don't. You desire; you always desire. Through all the conflicting silent thoughts your betraying face screams, I know a desire and yearning for the truth is the single constant in your clouded mind of variables.

Your ceaseless desire to align your will with God's is the beginning seed of faith. In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Alma wrote, "...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Your desire can crowd out doubt and carve a small enough space in the fertile soil of your soul for a seed of faith to flourish. Focus on your desire when instinct tells you to zero in on the ever present possibility that your small seed will never grow into something self-sustaining, let alone something large and beautiful. Let your desire fuel you as you dedicate yourself to tending the seed of faith you planted. Doubt will hail down and annihilate your faith, so keep it out of your forecast. Shower your seed with desire, fertilize it with diligence, and nurture it with time. A crop doesn't sprout over night, and your faith won't either. Don't let go of your desire.

I know, I know. I know you are lost, but I also know you are found. Heavenly Father desires for you to learn the truth more than you desire it for yourself. In this respect, you are found. As you wander, He watches. As you struggle through the maze, he places people at pivotal points in your path to guide and help you. You may feel that you're lost, but He is aware of where you are. Trust in those who are there to help you. In Matthew 7:20, Jesus said, "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." If your Heaven sent helpers are inviting you to do good things then their fruits are good. If they aren't inviting you to do good things then they're not Heaven sent and you don't need to pay them heed. This can be confusing if you let it, so don't. Judge every fruit and then cast away or keep the tree the fruit is coming from. And remember, you desire to know the truth.

Still more, I know. I know you are confused, but I also know you have all the answers. Answers come in a variety of ways. If you pray with sincerity to know something, you will be provided with an answer. It probably won't come in a strike of lightning or as a grand vision. Heavenly Father answers our pleas through scripture, prophets, other
people, and personal revelation. You can't say you haven't heard God speak to you if you haven't explored all possible avenues. Read the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon. These books both testify of Christ and are inspired accounts by real prophets. Within the universal messages these books proclaim are tiny treasures tailored just for you. Beyond personal studying, many answers can be found through religious peers and leaders. Go to church to be edified by others. I am here for you and others are too. Reach for them. Let them grab you and take you in. Meditate on all that you've learned and pray some more. Through a faithful regiment of studying, praying, discussing, and listening without doubt and cynicism, you WILL receive answers. I promise you this. You do desire answers after all, they will come.

I know, and He knows too. I know your eyes are closed, but I also know that you are seeking. Though your heart remains hard at times, it is softening. As you tentatively begin to earnestly seek for answers, your eyes will open. It will take work. As long as you're not willing to work, your eyes will remain blind to the truth just in front of
you. Until you are ready to read from holy scripture (not shady websites and un-sourced blogs), worship with supportive believers, and open your heart to the possibility that your perception may be wrong, your eyes will remain closed and I will genuinely pity you. I desire that you will stop desiring and start working.

I've yet to meet a farmer that yields success without sacrifice, but I've also never met a farmer that doesn't love his crops. Sacrifice time. Sacrifice old habits. Sacrifice pride, pre-conceived notions, and fear. Sacrifice it all and I promise your heart will swell as you survey your spirit and find vast fields of faith ready to cultivate and harvest. It is time to let your desire grow.

With love and the utmost sincerity,

Your friend who holds the truth

Prayer: A Thoughtful Chat with Kelly and Michael

Ellen was booked today, so I'm taking my information to the stage of Kelly and Michael.

Kelly:  Today we are hosting some top notch individuals on our program.  The widow of Steve Irwin will be joining us to discuss her new book, Tackling Alligators Alone: Life as Steve Irwin's Widow.

Michael: We also have Channing Tatum joining us to talk about muscles and things (seriously, why does Channing Tatum ALWAYS visit talk shows the same day I do).  We will start our program though with a young sister missionary from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Please welcome Sister P to our program!

[Kelly kisses Sister P on the cheek and Michael tries to, but she dodges that white handbook violation and shakes his hand; her companion, Sister Dumas is waiting backstage consoling Steve Irwin's wife and teaching the Plan of Salvation]

Kelly:  Welcome, welcome!  We are so glad you could fit a trip to New York into your limited eight hour P-day.

Sister P: Thank you for having me, Kelly and Michael.

Kelly: As many of you know, we live in a world with varying religious beliefs.  People don't have the same religious devotion that individuals had in previous decades. We wanted to get a little insight on prayer and the importance of it in our daily lives.  Sister P, what is the purpose of prayer?

Sister P:  Prayer is open communication with our Heavenly Father.  We pray for a plethora of reasons. We pray to express gratitude, to ask for blessings, to talk about our problems, to share excitement, to vent frustration, to discuss our day, and to ask questions.  Prayer is a lot like writing in a journal except someone is listening on the other side and answers.  We pray because Heavenly Father has asked us to communicate with him.  Prayer isn't just for prophets, apostles, pastors, or individuals of elevated spirituality.  Prayer is for every member of the human family.  Do you talk to your dad, Michael?

Michael: I definitely do.

Sister P:  Do your siblings talk to your dad?

Michael: They do.

Sister P:  Even when they were in trouble or felt like a disappointment?

Michael: Yes. We have all always talked to our dad no matter where we were in life.

Sister P:  Prayer works the same way.  Heavenly Father always wants to share in the ups and downs of our life and the most effective way of divine communication is prayer.

Kelly:  Now that we better understand why prayer is important, how do we do it?

Sister P:  Prayer is a lot more simple than people make it out to be.  I want you to imagine your mom cooking dinner in the kitchen while you're practicing piano in another room.  Your microwave timer is set for the half an hour you have to practice and you want to know how many minutes you have left.  You can yell, "HOW MANY MINUTES DO I HAVE LEFT?" and your mom may not acknowledge you.  She is really getting into her food processor.  She assumes that you're yelling at one of your brothers or at your incapable hands that keep missing G sharp.  If you yelled, "MOOOOOOOOOM" first though she probably will listen. After you have her attention you can ask how many minutes are left on the microwave timer and then grumble as you play through your songs one more time.  Like our mom in this story, our Heavenly Father is a very busy man.  We have to address him before we start our prayer, so we start every prayer with "Dear Heavenly Father".  We then fill our prayer with the thoughts of our heart.  I often start by listing things I am grateful for and thanking Heavenly Father for the blessings in my life.  After I have done this I go on to tell him about the hardships I am enduring and ask for assistance in bearing the burdens of life.  I will often ask for specific blessings for myself and those I care about as well.  After I have said everything I want to say, I close my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ and end with "Amen".

Kelly: So to re-cap, you say "Dear Heavenly Father," insert whatever you please, and end with "I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen".

Sister P: Yes.  Perfect.  It's a lot like an Oreo too.  You always have your two cookies; your address to Heavenly Father and your closing in the name of Christ, but you can change up the filling.  If you're having a double stuff kind of day then add a bit more fluff.  You can also mix it up with a mint flavored prayer or my favorite, birthday cake filling.

Michael:  Sister Poppe, thank you so much for meeting with us today.  You have enlightened our minds and lifted our spirits (okay, maybe I imagined that Michael said the last sentence).

Sister P: Thank you.  Send Regis my best.

[As Sister Poppe leaves an alligator is brought on stage in preparation for the wife of the late Steve Irwin]

He Lives to Hear My Soul's Complaint

Every morning we recite our missionary purpose, a quote about missionary work, and the Arizona Mesa mission statement.  I'll spare you the entire recitation, but want to share what our purpose is:

Our purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ

by helping them receive the restored gospel

through faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement,

repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost,

and enduring to the end.

We frequently ask people during our lessons basic questions to gauge where they are in their understanding of and relationship with Christ.  Common questions are "How have you felt Jesus Christ in your life personally," "Do you have a personal relationship with Christ," and "What can you do to draw closer to Christ?"  Unfortunately this isn't a question I have been asking myself lately.

Writing is more than a hobby for me.  It is a way by which I learn more about myself, process emotions, and receive personal revelation.  As I was struggling this past week I decided I was going to write a letter about the trials I am wading through because I knew it would help me pinpoint the crux of my emotional instability.  I ended up composing the letter and sending it in a rather lengthy email to a good friend of mine because I knew she would care and would have valuable input to give me.  The response she sent was full of love and comforting reminders of things I know to be true but that are hard to remember when you're having a difficult time.

She encouraged me to sing the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives and focus on a few of the lines.  The text she shared with me was meaningful, but while I sang through the lyrics in the shower this morning, different ones actually struck me; He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

I pride myself on my self-sufficiency.  Pride is the negative focal point of that sentence.  I get so stuck on being independent and not accepting help that I often don't even rely on Christ when I should.  How can I invite others to come unto Christ when I am not actively pursuing a stronger relationship with him? He lives to hear my soul's complaint!  Why have I been complaining to myself by way of journal entries instead of complaining to the one person who wants to hear it and can do something about it?  I am foolish, that is why.

As I took the time today during my personal study to inventory my relationship with Christ I recognized that my pride and stubborn nature will be my downfall.  I have never done anything harder in my life than what I am doing now.  Daily I am faced with situations that push me beyond my comfort zone and demand my diligent improvement.  I frequently find my mind wandering to my former life and the future beyond my mission and I've been in Arizona for an entire month. While I'm actively attempting to put everything on the sacrificial altar for 18 months while I serve The Lord, I often come up short.  Clearly I have a lot of areas in which I should be seeking the help and comfort of Christ to improve.  

I'm going to be honest.  I have no clue why I'm in Mesa, Arizona of all places in the world and I struggle with that.  There are literally 405 missions on this earth and I don't know what made this one the special one.  Sometimes I think I've been given more than I can bare because of the many connections and memories that I have here.  It would be much easier to forget everything if I was in Uruguay, Connecticut, or one of the other couple hundred missions I have no relatives, friends, or memories in.  While I continue to pray and figure out what my individual purpose is here in Arizona I have to rely on Christ to help me with the burdens I am laden with and remember that I can do hard things.  After all, in the words of one of my good friends, I am Amanda Poppe.

I decided today that I am going to rely on Christ more because that doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger.  I have relied on Him before and know that He has the power to relieve my guilt, mend my broken heart, motivate me to change, and just love me.  I promise to all of those reading this post that if you sincerely pray and actively build your relationship with Christ you will notice a difference.  He doesn't require much of us, just a humble heart and a desire to change. Even if we can't offer those things He will love us, and sometimes love is all we need to make it through the storms that will inevitably attempt to drown us.

It's My Blessing and I Want it Now!

A little over a year ago my younger brother proposed to his now wife.  This took place on the eve of my 22nd birthday month and 8th semester of college.  I was an unhealthy mixture of irate, depressed, confused, and bitter.  I often hid my desire to be married through the early years of college because I didn't want to be pegged as a girl who went to BYU to find a spouse and not to attain higher education, but I was starting to get nervous that my anti-marriage facade was the reason I had never found anyone.  The combination of my college career quickly ending and my younger brother popping the question before I had even ever seriously dated someone lead to a quarter-life crisis.  I was the oldest.  I was the only daughter.  I was the kid who was almost done with college.  I was the child that went to BYU.  I was the teenager who abstained from everything and strictly adhered to curfew.  I was the good example.  I was the Poppe child who deserved to be planning a wedding and a future.  I. I. I. My life quickly became a J.G. Wentworth commercial where instead of "It's my money and I want it now," the thought, "It's my blessing and I want it now!" often circulated through my inner-dialogue.  My attitude about my brother's upcoming nuptials was so sour that I couldn't even find a small space in my heart to be happy for him.  One day I was studying trials and read Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, The Laborers in the Vineyard, and was immediately chastised when I read, "We are not diminished when someone else is added upon."

My brother was getting married to a wonderful young woman and I had spent months being bitter because he found happiness before I did.  I knew the trials he had gone through in life and the struggles he had and saw those as making him unworthy of the one blessing I wanted but wasn't receiving.  I failed to notice that getting married was a blessing, but more importantly it was the motivation my brother needed to come back into the fold.  While a spouse was something that sounded nice to me, it was much more to my brother.  It was a symbol of repentance and the mercy of God.  He found someone to grow with.  We don't always know why things happen in life.  I don't know why I'm almost 23, single, and on a mission while my brother never served one and was married shortly after he turned 20.  I do know that he being blessed with a beautiful wife doesn't diminish me in any way because "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10)".  Marriage didn't make my brother any better than me because we are both equal children of the same Heavenly Father (well, and the same earthly father).

How often do we compare our blessings with others and dwell on how Heavenly Father put one more shiny toy in someone else's basket than our own?  Haven't we all received the most important blessing in the form of Jesus Christ?  All the other blessings we receive are just trifles compared to the salvation offered to us through the faithful sacrifice of God's Only Begotten.  All the other gifts we receive are just stocking stuffers compared to the real present, the Atonement of Christ, under the tree. 

June 8, 2013.  My brother, Bryce, and I with Brandon and my beautiful sister-in-law, Brianna.